Post your best short joke...
- Thread starter The Hopkinator
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69PaleHorse
Member
There are three men, down ' the pub drinkin Guiness. An American, an Englishman and an Irishman. Bout this time, three flies come in the door, and one each lands in the pints of the men.
Well, the American looks down, sees the fly and pushes his drink away, motioning for the bartender to bring him another pint.
The Englishman looks at his pint, reaches down and pulls the fly out of the drink and continues to drink his Guiness.
The Irishman looks down, sees the fly, picks it up by the wings and shouts "Spit it out ya little bugger, spit it out!"
Well, the American looks down, sees the fly and pushes his drink away, motioning for the bartender to bring him another pint.
The Englishman looks at his pint, reaches down and pulls the fly out of the drink and continues to drink his Guiness.
The Irishman looks down, sees the fly, picks it up by the wings and shouts "Spit it out ya little bugger, spit it out!"
2nd Mustang
Founding Member
...and during the SBC "work action" management will carry on the duties of the striking workers.......... 
StangDreamin'
Founding Member
Short joke: Three guys running down the street. Two guys run into a bar; the third one ducks. (Ba-dump-dump)
Long (blonde) joke: A man and his blonde wife are eating breakfast before he goes to work. DJ on the radio announces, "Well folks, the weatherman is predicting 4" of snow today. Everybody park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through." The wife runs out and moves her car - the husband will move his when he leaves for work.
One week later, again during their breakfast; the DJ announces, "Well folks it's gonna be another white day as the weatherman is predicting 6" of snow. Park your cars on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through". The blonde wife jumps up and moves her car, the husband - well, you know, he's going to work.
Another week goes by, same song, third verse; except, just as the DJ starts saying, "Park your cars on the.." Z-Z-ZAP!!! The power goes out and the radio dies.
AS the man sips his coffee, the blonde wife becomes increasingly agitated and exclaims, "Oh honey, what do I do? How will I know what side of the street to park on???"
The man puts down his coffee, folds his paper and, with all the love and patience a man could have for his blonde wife; gently suggests:
"Honey, how about you just leave it in the garage today?"
Long (blonde) joke: A man and his blonde wife are eating breakfast before he goes to work. DJ on the radio announces, "Well folks, the weatherman is predicting 4" of snow today. Everybody park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through." The wife runs out and moves her car - the husband will move his when he leaves for work.
One week later, again during their breakfast; the DJ announces, "Well folks it's gonna be another white day as the weatherman is predicting 6" of snow. Park your cars on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through". The blonde wife jumps up and moves her car, the husband - well, you know, he's going to work.
Another week goes by, same song, third verse; except, just as the DJ starts saying, "Park your cars on the.." Z-Z-ZAP!!! The power goes out and the radio dies.
AS the man sips his coffee, the blonde wife becomes increasingly agitated and exclaims, "Oh honey, what do I do? How will I know what side of the street to park on???"
The man puts down his coffee, folds his paper and, with all the love and patience a man could have for his blonde wife; gently suggests:
"Honey, how about you just leave it in the garage today?"
65fastback2+2
New Member
StangDreamin' said:Short joke: Three guys running down the street. Two guys run into a bar; the third one ducks. (Ba-dump-dump)
Long (blonde) joke: A man and his blonde wife are eating breakfast before he goes to work. DJ on the radio announces, "Well folks, the weatherman is predicting 4" of snow today. Everybody park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through." The wife runs out and moves her car - the husband will move his when he leaves for work.
One week later, again during their breakfast; the DJ announces, "Well folks it's gonna be another white day as the weatherman is predicting 6" of snow. Park your cars on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through". The blonde wife jumps up and moves her car, the husband - well, you know, he's going to work.
Another week goes by, same song, third verse; except, just as the DJ starts saying, "Park your cars on the.." Z-Z-ZAP!!! The power goes out and the radio dies.
AS the man sips his coffee, the blonde wife becomes increasingly agitated and exclaims, "Oh honey, what do I do? How will I know what side of the street to park on???"
The man puts down his coffee, folds his paper and, with all the love and patience a man could have for his blonde wife; gently suggests:
"Honey, how about you just leave it in the garage today?"
that has got to be one of the best blonde jokes ever!!!
blonde joke #2
One day a woman decided to have all the rooms in her house painted, so she called a painter to come over and give her an estimate on how much it would cost.
The painter arrived, and the woman brought him into the dining room.
"What color would you like this room painted?" he asked.
"Green," the woman replied.
The painter nodded and wrote something down on his notepad. Then he went over to the nearest open window and yelled out, "Green side up!"
The woman thought this was odd but continued on to the kitchen.
"What color would you like this room painted?" he asked.
"Yellow," the woman replied. Again, the man nodded, wrote something down on his notepad, and went over to the nearest open window. "Green side up!" he yelled.
The woman was puzzled, but figured that he was a professional, so she shouldn't question him.
The whole tour continued like this; the woman becoming more and more suspicious each room they went through that the painter leaned out the open window and yelled, "Green side up!"
Finally they were finished and the woman couldn't stand it any longer.
She asked the painter, " Why did you yell 'Green side up' out the window every time I told you what color I wanted the rooms painted? I don't want every room painted green!"
The painter laughed.
"I know. I wrote down the colors you wanted your rooms to be painted. But I had to keep yelling 'Green side up' out the windows because I have a crew of blondes across the street laying sod."
StangDreamin'
Founding Member
pabear89
Active Member
Two Blonde's walked into a building yesterday,You would think One of them would have noticed it.
2nd Mustang
Founding Member
A blonde was driving down the road when her car encounters some problems, so she pulls over to the side of the road. She opens the trunk and lets out two guys in trench coats. They jump out and face oncoming traffic and open their coats. They were completely naked and several cars pile up into each other when the drivers started staring at the naked men. A police officer pulls up and asks why these men are standing there naked. The blonde tells him that they are her emergency flashers!
(RIM SHOT)
(RIM SHOT)
Swede958
Founding Member
Here's mine:
A respectable blonde is driving in the country and hears the DJ on the radio start complaining about how dumb blondes are. This get's this proffesional businesswoman blonde mad as hell and she starts fuming in her car while she's driving. While passing a farm, the blonde looks over and sees another blonde in a field, in a canoe, trying to paddle across. Unable to take it anymore, she stops her car and jumps out. Hopping up on the fence, the blonde yells "HEY!! It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name, and if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!!"
(Warning- a bit racy, but ya get the good humor if you're a texan)
THree men are sitting on the roof of a building: a russian, a mexican, and a texan. They are sitting around having a drink- vodka for the russian, tequila for the mexican, and beer for the texan. The russian tips the bottle back, takes a drink and launches the bottle over the side of the building. His companions ask why he did that, to which the russian replies (drunken russian accent) "Is russia, we have so much vodka, we can just throw it away". Shortly after the mexican takes a swallow of the tequila and throws it over the side. When asked why he replies (drunken spanish accent) "In mexico, we have so much tequila, we can just throw it away". After seeing this peculiar behavior in his drinking buddies and contemplating their actions, the texan stands up, drains his beer, and throws the mexican over the side of the building.
The Swede
A respectable blonde is driving in the country and hears the DJ on the radio start complaining about how dumb blondes are. This get's this proffesional businesswoman blonde mad as hell and she starts fuming in her car while she's driving. While passing a farm, the blonde looks over and sees another blonde in a field, in a canoe, trying to paddle across. Unable to take it anymore, she stops her car and jumps out. Hopping up on the fence, the blonde yells "HEY!! It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name, and if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!!"
(Warning- a bit racy, but ya get the good humor if you're a texan)
THree men are sitting on the roof of a building: a russian, a mexican, and a texan. They are sitting around having a drink- vodka for the russian, tequila for the mexican, and beer for the texan. The russian tips the bottle back, takes a drink and launches the bottle over the side of the building. His companions ask why he did that, to which the russian replies (drunken russian accent) "Is russia, we have so much vodka, we can just throw it away". Shortly after the mexican takes a swallow of the tequila and throws it over the side. When asked why he replies (drunken spanish accent) "In mexico, we have so much tequila, we can just throw it away". After seeing this peculiar behavior in his drinking buddies and contemplating their actions, the texan stands up, drains his beer, and throws the mexican over the side of the building.
The Swede
Swede958 said:
or a californian I would surmise...
Anyhow I heard the same joke a different way.
A Texan a Frenchman a Mexican and an Englishman were all on a small Lear jet when an engine went out. The pilot came over the radio and said don't worry we have another one. A few minutes later the second engine went out and the pilot opened the cockpit door, then opened the side door and said there's one more parachute then jumped out wearing one himself. The four businessmen looked at each other a minute and the Englisman stood up in the doorway and said "God save the Queen" and jumped without a chute. That inspired the Frenchman who stood up without a chute and said "Vive la France" before jumping to his death. Not to be outdone the texan stood up, and said "Remember the Alamo" then grabbed the Mexican and threw him from the plane.
kirbyalaska
Founding Member
Pre appoligy to the homosexuals that may be out there, but I love this one.
What do gay horses eat? HHAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
I told that one at a party with a large # of homosexuals (wifes friends I swear). The flamboyant ones are the ones that got offended. The ones were you weren't sure died laughing, and my wife was completely embarrassed that I would tell that joke there.
What do gay horses eat? HHAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
I told that one at a party with a large # of homosexuals (wifes friends I swear). The flamboyant ones are the ones that got offended. The ones were you weren't sure died laughing, and my wife was completely embarrassed that I would tell that joke there.
The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport. "You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. "Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
That was all I had at the moment.....
That was all I had at the moment.....
65fastback2+2
New Member
The Hopkinator said:The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport. "You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. "Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
dont quite ur day job haha
Another variant of basically the same joke...The Hopkinator said:
The Air traffic Control folks in Dresden are known for their sharp wit and short tmepers among international commercial pilots. One day a British Airways aircraft had landed there and was directed to their gate with nothing more than the number. Apparently the signage was poor so the pilot radioed the tower to ask for "driving" instructions. He was asked by the sarcastic Ground Controller to read the map contained in the flight literature (RTFM?). The pilot repeated his request for directions and the GC asked him if he was new or had just never been to Dresden before. The pilot responded he had indeed been to Dresden before but that it was 1945 and they did not land on that trip.
this is pretty funny...
>
> Last Child Support Check.....
>
> Today is my daughters 18th birthday! I'm so
> glad that this is my last child support payment.
> Month after month, year after year, those payments!
>
> I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got here,
> I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to
> your mama's house; you tell her that this is the last check she's ever
> going to get from me, then I want you to come back here and tell me
> the expression she had on her face."
>
> So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was so anxious to hear
> what the witch had to say and what her mama looked like.
>
> As my baby girl walked back though the door, I said, "Well now, what
> did she have to say?"
>
> "She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy."
>
> Last Child Support Check.....
>
> Today is my daughters 18th birthday! I'm so
> glad that this is my last child support payment.
> Month after month, year after year, those payments!
>
> I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got here,
> I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to
> your mama's house; you tell her that this is the last check she's ever
> going to get from me, then I want you to come back here and tell me
> the expression she had on her face."
>
> So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was so anxious to hear
> what the witch had to say and what her mama looked like.
>
> As my baby girl walked back though the door, I said, "Well now, what
> did she have to say?"
>
> "She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy."
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