I leave tomorrow for another fun filled weekend of staring at ocean water. Only this time it’ll be an actual “ Ocean” instead of a gulf.
We‘re going to Amelia Island in the southern most tip of Georgia...Google maps say 6 hours drive time I think.
After looking around, it looks like we’re going there for food, and drink..a couple of sightseeing diversions, and maybe a laughable attempt at playin 9 holes of golf.
It’s ironic:
Back in the late 80’s, I got my first “good job” working as a manufacturer’s rep for JVC of America. I was a territory sales rep for Alabama, and the panhandle of Florida. In the early 90’s after having been there a few years, I was required to attend the very first CEDIA expo...( kinda like a C.E.S expo, but focused on custom home audio/video installation) This first show was being held at a resort in North Florida/South Georgia in none other than...Amelia Island.
As a footnote to that,..when I took the Job, my then Regional manager told me that I need to get a set of clubs, and learn “the game“.
I got the clubs,....I never learned the game.
Most of the dealers I called on however, played, and being able to treat them to a round of golf was an acceptable expense...Right along with the booze that came with it.
It was my mission then,..to pay for the golf, play badly, and drink...( I got very good at the latter).
In all of the time I tried to learn to play the game, and after taking private lessons, and spending a lot of time with a particularly tolerant customer in Auburn Alabama hell bent on teaching me, ....I managed to be able to break 100 routinely on the easier, more forgiving courses. I had seccumbed to the standard that all sht golfers succumb to.....“ You’d be sooo much better at this game if you had....” Before long, ( because I so needed to get better) had 500.00 dollar golf clubs,..a double throw down putter, and a driver sooo big..a blind guy could hit a ball with it.
And with all of this tech on my side...
Was now “Good enough“ to be tolerated by the scratch golfers I was “ entertaining” in the name of business.
Now that i’ve been doing this for a year or so, I find myself in Amelia Island entertaining a customer I’d routinely visit while in Fort Walton...He was interested in starting a business catered to the custom home installation industry,..and here I was, The guy from JVC, working the show, and who better to hand the tab to for 18 holes at one of the most expensive public golf courses on the east coast?
So we play...
This course is different than any of the other ones I’ve played/learned on.....grass is growing in sand. There are tons of water obstacles..all with something i’ve never seen before....Signs that read... “ If you value your hand more than that ball, you’ll be better off leaving it and taking the penalty”
There were creatures in the water that would just love you to stick your hand in that water,......so they could bite that fcker right the fck off.
So now,...as bad as I was on a regular golf course...if I sliced/hooked a drive into another fairway, or woods ..there was always the slight chance that I could find that ball, and play through,..even though it was way the Hell off the beaten path...But now, at the Amelia Island Links course,......if I sliced, or hooked, or hacked a ball,...it almost ended up going straight into some marshy sht....and I’d have to leave it for fear of losing my entire hand, despite the fact that I could see the ball....that had sunk to the bottom of yet another of the 50 bagillion water obstacles this course had.
It was right there........At hole 13...having lost a dozen balls to get there.
Hole 13.....a 100 yard par 3....At any other “normal” golf course...I may have actually hit the green, and have a prayer of making par, or 1 over....
But here...At the Amelia Island Links course,..where amphibious carnivores are just waiting on your stupid ass to make a mistake,..there is a watery, marshy pond thing between me, and the green, 100 yards away. with a wall of Cat-tails adding to the “ You ain’t gettin here from there” vibe.
By now ..The client, and I are both in the bag.....we’re at the par 3, 13th hole....He let’s me hit first.
I Size up the hole,...I get a pitching wedge,....I do the foot wiggle/ ass wiggle thing.....I look up at the flag...I look down at the ball. I take a breath,.........and draw that club back,.....and swing.
I Completely miss the ball.
I dig a gigantic trench right next to the ball, which adds insult to injury by rolling into that trench,..now daring me to try to dig it back out on my next swing.
My client is roaring with laughter.
Instead, I slam the club down “ I’m so fckin Done with this stupid fckin game!“ I yelled.“ Matter of fact I‘m so done, I’m not playing through, And when I get back home, I’m selling those stupid expensive Yonex Clubs to the first mother fcker. that comes along and offers me 1 fckin dollar for these pieces of sht!“ Which only make the guy I’m with laugh that much harder,..( which pisses me off even more)
“ Come on,..pick the ball up, up and drop it, we still got 5 holes to go” the guy says,..wiping the tears out of his eyes from laughing.
’“You think I’m kidding here? Mark my words here,...not only will I not finish the last 5 holes here, I’m done with this stupid assed game for good”.
And to consummate my declaration ,....I drank, while he played the remaining 5 holes.... and followed through,....Never to play that dumb assed game ever again.
Until 30 years later,...I have since purchased a set of sporting goods store clubs that have so much dust on them, they are almost embarrasing to take with us..
But I will.
Maybe I’ll go back to that course.....Maybe I’ll hit a ball into one of the water obstacles on purpose...
Maybe I’ll go to the waters edge and wait-n-see if some alligator or snapping turtle swims by,.
Then I’ll get out my pitching wedge and beat that fcking thing to death.