Dave, what to say..I guess I can say that I understand. I think everybody needs a purpose or a diversion aside from the day to day stuff. Whether it's called a hobby or therapy we all need it. At the same time I feel for you. Getting into a routine, whether it's good or bad becomes such a part of our lives that when the order of things dramatically change it becomes tough to cope.
I liken it to a lot of things, a lot of careers like Soldiers or Cops, and Marriage or a relationship all intertwine with regard to that routine, and how people become to depend on it. And for a lot of folks, that loss of routine in their lives is just too hard to deal with. For me, I'd cannot imagine losing my wife...because
for me that will be my "too hard" to deal with.
As much as I have, it all comes down to needing to work on my stupid car. It's not enough just to own it. MOF, if that was all I had to do with it, it'd be gone, and I'd be doing some house sht instead. There was a time that it was all consuming for me. Money, and time...every spare penny, every spare minute spent getting a new race car ready for Friday night. Now, I've evolved...the car can sit, but There is some stifled artist in me that needs the creative outlet, so if I have that car, I gotta be doing something to it. The other requirement for my diversions is...I gotta be moving. While I can certainly do the tedious stuff like building the ecu that runs my car,..if I had to read a book...or sit on a beach...( or sit on a beach, reading a book) I'd go batsht.
I don't "wait" well. I bore easily.
I remember in basic training, we were at the end and just a day before graduation. Kate was there for that, I was only months into the marriage, and I was trying to convince the DS to give me a pass to spend the night off post.
He wouldn't let me. Despite my best efforts. That guy tells me: ( and he hit it dead on) "Matkosky, I can tell that you aren't gonna last in this man's Army..Do you want to know why or how I know that private?" "Yes Drill Sergeant" I replied.." A soldier doesn't ask
why, he just does...For you private Matkosky, things are different...you're gonna question an order, or you're gonna try to do it your way, not the way you were told to do it...and stuff like that is gonna be your downfall. I've seen guys like you come and go. I'd like to be wrong here, because up to this moment you've been an exceptional soldier,...but nobodies ever told you
no yet."
For three years I struggled with that routine. I hated being told what to do, I hated not being in control of my life, I hated the routine. and In the end...Drill Sergeant Workman was right.
Turning back to you, it's gonna take time Dave. Things change for all of us, and we do what we do to get by. Most of us are resilient people, and we adapt, overcome, and move on. For you to come out of what you've come through between your loss and the divorce and still be here is a testament to your fortitude. If you read, read. The car will be there when you're ready to put down the book for a while and go into the garage. I've been fortunate to have spent time with you personally, I think you'll find your way back to where you want to be.
It's rare when the forum goes beyond the simple "here's what I did, here's a pic" but it's like I've always said....I liken it to us all being on the same street,...and when somebody drops a post...it's like you just stopped by cause you saw that my garage door was open .
Drop by anytime..I'll listen. But bring your own beer...I've moved on