Qantas Airlines Quality Control - actual maintenance logs...(Very Funny)

[ThePumpkin]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order...now that's funny

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: After brief search, engine found on right wing.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[Darkwriter77]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order...now that's funny

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: After brief search, engine found on right wing.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Since when do they equip commercial airliners with weapons targeting systems?

Funny ... at least it was when I first saw it way back in like '99, under the guise of supposedly "actual" maintenance logs from the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE. I've seen it re-appear periodically about ten times since then under a different name every time - United, Delta, US Airways, etc. - and EVERY SINGLE TIME someone keeps forgetting to remove the detail about the targeting radar. It might be more funny if people didn't keep trying to pass this crap off as "actual" stuff. Now, it's just annoying.

I give it a 1/10.

 

[FrankenStang]

Damn...

Well, I've never seen it before and I laughed whether it was real or not.

 

[mob]

Yea i've seen it before but I still think its hilarious, I like the engine missing one.

 

[LaserSVT]

Ive seen it in 15 or so threads but I still laugh every single time I read it cause as a technician I used to give the same dumb return comments when an operator gave a stupid problem description.

"Power supply is making two different sounding vibrations"
"Made both vibrations sound the same"

 

[jrichker]

Some pilots seem to lack a certain sense when it comes to common communication. This seems to be definitely true for military pilots. Look at birds -they fly without ever spending a day in school. However, it takes 8 years of college to be a veterinarian. I truly think it takes more intelligence to fix an airplane than it does to fly it.

You can earn a private pilot license at age 16 for small single engine aircraft with only 40 hours of flight time. It is possible to progress onward and earn a license to fly jumbo jets without ever spending a day in college. The US Air Force requires a 4 year college degree to be considered for pilot training.

An aircraft mechanic license requires you to be 18 with 30 months of actual hands on training or experience before you can qualify to take the test for both Airframe and Powerplant. Your military aircraft maintenance experience can qualify to take one or even both tests. The Navy and Marines have a program to get you credit and training based on your military experience.

How do I know all this? I spent 11 years fixing airplanes for a living - 8 years Air Force and 3 years general Aviation as a FAA licensed A&P mechanic.