We need a joke thread
- Thread starter codemonkey
- Start date
A UFO lands at a gas station and two little green aliens exit through a large door underneath.
They walk up to a gas pump and one of the aliens says " take me to your leader".
Of course the gas pump doesnt say anything so he says it again "take me to your leader".
Again the pump says nothing so he pulls out a ray gun and says "take me to your leader or I will be forced to open fire".
At this point the other alien looks over and says " dont do it, Im telling you dont do it".
Well the pump again says nothing so the alien opens fire and the whole place blows up throwing the aliens 300 ft. into a field.
Laying there all tore up and burnt the alien with the ray gun looks over and asks the other " how did you know"?
The other alien answers " never f**k with anybody that can wrap his d**k around himself twice and stuff it in his ear".
They walk up to a gas pump and one of the aliens says " take me to your leader".
Of course the gas pump doesnt say anything so he says it again "take me to your leader".
Again the pump says nothing so he pulls out a ray gun and says "take me to your leader or I will be forced to open fire".
At this point the other alien looks over and says " dont do it, Im telling you dont do it".
Well the pump again says nothing so the alien opens fire and the whole place blows up throwing the aliens 300 ft. into a field.
Laying there all tore up and burnt the alien with the ray gun looks over and asks the other " how did you know"?
The other alien answers " never f**k with anybody that can wrap his d**k around himself twice and stuff it in his ear".
jordanvraptor
Founding Member
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and 'low-and-behold' a genie appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that damn map again".
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that damn map again".
Guyster03Mach
Founding Member
Not quite jokes, but found them somewhat hilarious 
Perhaps some pick up lines to use………
I'd buy you a drink, but I'd be jealous of the straw
My love for you is like diaharrea, I just can't hold it in.
Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
I miss my teddy bear...Would you sleep with me?
Do you like raisins? How about a date?
Are those real?
I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
I'm new in town...could you give me directions to your apartment?
What's a nice girl like you doing on a face like this?
You have been very naughty! Go to my room!
You make my software turn to hardware!
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Here, take some money and drink until I look pretty.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
I bet your dad is a baker, because baby, you've got great buns.
If you were words on a page, you would be called "fine print".
If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
How do you like your eggs, scrambled or fertilized?
Stand still so I can pick you up!
Is your dad a terrorists? Cause you're the bomb.
Your lips look so lonely.... Would they like to meet mine?
At the office copy machine "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"
Excuse me, maam, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
Perhaps some pick up lines to use………
I'd buy you a drink, but I'd be jealous of the straw
My love for you is like diaharrea, I just can't hold it in.
Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
I miss my teddy bear...Would you sleep with me?
Do you like raisins? How about a date?
Are those real?
I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
I'm new in town...could you give me directions to your apartment?
What's a nice girl like you doing on a face like this?
You have been very naughty! Go to my room!
You make my software turn to hardware!
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Here, take some money and drink until I look pretty.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
I bet your dad is a baker, because baby, you've got great buns.
If you were words on a page, you would be called "fine print".
If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
How do you like your eggs, scrambled or fertilized?
Stand still so I can pick you up!
Is your dad a terrorists? Cause you're the bomb.
Your lips look so lonely.... Would they like to meet mine?
At the office copy machine "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"
Excuse me, maam, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
The Factor
New Member
"Definition of Rodeo Sex" Your having sex with your girl friend, and you tell her how much better her sister was and you try to hold on for 8 seconds 
Darkness
Founding Member
03yellowvenom said:"Definition of Rodeo Sex" Your having sex with your girl friend, and you tell her how much better her sister was and you try to hold on for 8 seconds
302GT
New Member
NayChan
New Member
1993c0bra said:
Only in America do they keep banks open to everyone, but the pens chained to the desk.
Deep in the woods while flyfishing with a guide,they come across the half eating deer and this huge Bear on the river bank," Bear " said the fishing guide while quickly removing his backpacks and all other gears,the city boy said " So did you bring a gun to shot it with ". The guide said " No,but I am going to run when he charge ". The city boy then asked again " How fast can you run ? ". The guide carefully look at him and the Bear and said " I just need to run faster then you ".
wazazzle said:Only in America will a bank charge you an overdraft charge of $35 and not pay the $3.99 dvd rental which caused it.
USBank sucks a$s
Or better yet transfer 6.00 from your checking into your savings to pay the monthly service fee and then bring your checking balance to 0.. then overdraw your checking by 33.00 for not having the checkings monthys service fee.. ( I closed the bank account SO I THOUGHT... old account)
sandman0023
New Member
Try this one. You have a checking and savings account at a bank that will remain nameless (Wells Fargo). They accidentally close your checking account with checks pending and refuse to pay the late fees. 
This happened twice before I closed my accounts. Then they asked why I was closing them.
This happened twice before I closed my accounts. Then they asked why I was closing them.
You could always call said video company (if its the large one based in Wilsonville, OR) and complain to them, and get a few free rentals.
Trust me, everybody does it!
ddonaca351
Active Member
Two dykes and two ***s are going on a trip, they leave at the same time, who gets there first?
-the dykes, they went lickedy-split... the ***s had to go pack their chit first.
Why do blondes wear green underwear? -red means stop
What does a blonde say after sex? - thanks fellas
How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? -opens the car door
Why do blondes wear pants? - to keep their ankles warm
Why do blondes wear hoop ear-rings? - give them somewhere to hook their ankles
What do you call a blonde, died dark? -artificial intelligence
(did I spell that right?)
What do you call a quadraplegic in a hot tub? -Stew
Lady places an add in the paper: Wanted SWM, wont beat me, wont run out, good in bed. Apply in person.
- Doorbell rings the next day, she goes to awnser the door, and theres this quadroplegic sitting there. She's like??? he say well, no arms - cant beat you up, no legs - cant run out on you... she says what about good in bed? he says "how do you think I rang the doorbell?"
Yo momma' so freaky, if she disappeared, the only discription I could give, would be of the top of her head.
DD
-the dykes, they went lickedy-split... the ***s had to go pack their chit first.
Why do blondes wear green underwear? -red means stop
What does a blonde say after sex? - thanks fellas
How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? -opens the car door
Why do blondes wear pants? - to keep their ankles warm
Why do blondes wear hoop ear-rings? - give them somewhere to hook their ankles
What do you call a blonde, died dark? -artificial intelligence
(did I spell that right?)
What do you call a quadraplegic in a hot tub? -Stew
Lady places an add in the paper: Wanted SWM, wont beat me, wont run out, good in bed. Apply in person.
- Doorbell rings the next day, she goes to awnser the door, and theres this quadroplegic sitting there. She's like??? he say well, no arms - cant beat you up, no legs - cant run out on you... she says what about good in bed? he says "how do you think I rang the doorbell?"
Yo momma' so freaky, if she disappeared, the only discription I could give, would be of the top of her head.
DD
ddonaca351
Active Member
...lets see... (dont read if ethnic jokes offend you, and yes I picked on my own clan too...)
Why do ya park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
Why do they call them appart-ments when they are all stuck together?
Military intelligence. (nuff said)
Peacekeeper missile.
Yo momma so dumb.... they said it's chilly outside, and the bitch ran out with a bowl.
An Englishman, an American and an Irishman are in a pub getting a beer....
- waitress brings 3 beers, all 3 have a fly in them.
- Englishman sends his back, "I won't drink that..."
- American flicks the fly out, snorts at the Englishman and chugs the beer.
- Irishman picks up the fly, turns him upside down above the mug and starts yelling SPIT IT OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT!!!!
Two hookers are walking down the street, they see an Irishman passed out drunk in the doorway of a pub.
-One hooker says, "I wonder if its true that they dont wear anything under their kilt?"
-They lift it up and it's true... but they are so impressed with the man's *presence* that they are speachless.
-The other hooker says "we have to give him some kind of present or something... that is just amazing!"
-The first hooker takes a nice blue ribon out of her hair and ties it around *him* with a big bow.
-They look at each other, smile and walk on through the night.
-The Irishman awakes, and has to relieve himself, so he stumbles into the alley behind the pub...
- He lifts his kilt and sees the big blue bow and says...
"Well laddie, I don't know where you've been, but I'm glad to see you've won first prize."
DD
Why do ya park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
Why do they call them appart-ments when they are all stuck together?
Military intelligence. (nuff said)
Peacekeeper missile.
Yo momma so dumb.... they said it's chilly outside, and the bitch ran out with a bowl.
An Englishman, an American and an Irishman are in a pub getting a beer....
- waitress brings 3 beers, all 3 have a fly in them.
- Englishman sends his back, "I won't drink that..."
- American flicks the fly out, snorts at the Englishman and chugs the beer.
- Irishman picks up the fly, turns him upside down above the mug and starts yelling SPIT IT OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT!!!!
Two hookers are walking down the street, they see an Irishman passed out drunk in the doorway of a pub.
-One hooker says, "I wonder if its true that they dont wear anything under their kilt?"
-They lift it up and it's true... but they are so impressed with the man's *presence* that they are speachless.
-The other hooker says "we have to give him some kind of present or something... that is just amazing!"
-The first hooker takes a nice blue ribon out of her hair and ties it around *him* with a big bow.
-They look at each other, smile and walk on through the night.
-The Irishman awakes, and has to relieve himself, so he stumbles into the alley behind the pub...
- He lifts his kilt and sees the big blue bow and says...
"Well laddie, I don't know where you've been, but I'm glad to see you've won first prize."
DD
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