VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES
Policy effective now
Dress Code:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are
doing well financially and there fore do not need a raise. If you dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so you can buy nicer
clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right,
you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.
Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open,
and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will
be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders
category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under
the Department's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get
a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5
minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our Department. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience and continue to be an employer of choice.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input should be done in your sleep.
Policy effective now
Dress Code:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are
doing well financially and there fore do not need a raise. If you dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so you can buy nicer
clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right,
you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.
Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open,
and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will
be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders
category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under
the Department's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get
a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5
minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our Department. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience and continue to be an employer of choice.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input should be done in your sleep.