Checking in with Update

[jes72mustang]

Hey everyone,

It has been a couple of months since I have dropped in. As I mentioned My wife had an affair with a mutual friend of ours. I don't remeber exactly what all I had known at the time of my last post or what was going on, but here is a quick update.

She requested a separation, and now wants a divorce. She moved out of our house, which is now up for sale. We are pretty much working out the property settlement on our own rather than litigate it through lawyers. The 4 kids stay at here house most nights because of my work schedule, and they stay with me Thursday through Sunday every other week. The older two stay at my house during the day on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays for easy access to the community pool and I pick the younger two up at day care in the evenings. So far everything is working out OK. I have gooten over most of the initial shock, and hurt, but it is still a huge adjustment after being with her for 19 years (almost 16 married).

So I had to sell my 02 mustang GT and buy something that I could fit all 4 kids in, so I picked up an 05 dodge neon, what a performance change. but I save on the monthly payment and the gas.

So far the 72 mustang is safe. I had mentioned to her that I was considering selling it, because I wouldn't be able to afford to work on it if she took me to the cleaners financially. And she said she didn't want me to do that. So I think it is safe that she will not try to go after it, but if she does, my Dad will be the new owner in a matter of hours.

I am hoping to talk to her some this weekend about filing the paperwork for the divorce. PA has a 90 day waiting period from the time the papers are filed until the divorce can be granted and finalized. My feelings are that if this is the path we are going to take lets get it done, I would like it to be finished before I turn 35 in November.

I have started Dating. She understands my situation and we are taking it nice and slow.

I will continue to check in from time to time and hopefully start contributing more again as things continue to find balance again. I have missed being here on a regular basis. Thanks in advance for comments and advice.

John

 

[StangDreamin']

Owwww; that just sucks! I originally didn't remember your post about this; but I went back and looked at your thread, and it reminded me. I was talking to Sue about this thread and she reminded me of when I was telling her about that thread this morning.

BTW; I'd state the blatantly obvious point that the guy never was much of a friend; I can't believe I didn't say something that inane in your original thread. Should also admit that I'd have by now been "questioned" about his "unfortunate accident".....

Hopefully this new interest in your life is very understanding; because I can't think of anything scarier than suddenly being alone after spending most of my life with Mrs StDr. Good luck man; I've got 11 years on you; and don't envy you in the slightest.

 

[65mistress]

Good luck man, that's rough.

 

[chepsk8]

Gawd, does that sound familiar. Happily, I kept the kids, but otherwise, there are so many similarities to me six years ago. BUT, why are you laying down? She's at fault, you have some leverage. I did, and kept my kids. But, that's a big decision for you.

Hang in there, keep your focus on the kids, NO degrading your soon-to-be Ex in front of the kids. EVER. Keep it positive, for the kids. They will thank you for it when they are adults.

Sorry, Heather's Mom is mine....

 

[Platonic Solid]

I haven't read your previous thread, but I've been there too. I've raised my son alone since he was 8 (he's now almost 21). I realize you're trying to be civil but I think you're making a huge mistake in not using an attorney. Your Ex is the one that left the family residence. You are under no obligation to sell you and your childrens home (though I'm sure she wants you to so she can get her name off the mortgage note). I really can't stress enough how important it is that you get an attormey. I've seen too many (especially men) proceed without an attorney and then get blindsided when their ex shows up in court all lawyered up. Don't be a victim, there's way too much at stake here to be trying to save a couple thousand in attorney fees. Trust me, the attorney will pay for him or herself many times over. They know the rules - you don't. My urgent recommendation is that you go NOW and hire the best female attorney you can afford.

Just because you have an attorney doesn't mean it can't still be a civil divorce. No one in their right mind should attempt doing this on their own. Especially when it involves children, assets and long term marriage. Even if you have to borrow the money for the attorney, DO IT.

 

[68keyblr]

I haven't read your previous thread, but I've been there too. I've raised my son alone since he was 8 (he's now almost 21). I realize you're trying to be civil but I think you're making a huge mistake in not using an attorney. Your Ex is the one that left the family residence. You under no obligation to sell you and your childrens home (though I'm sure she wants you to so she can get her name of the mortgage note). I really can't stress enough how important it is that you get an attormey. I've seen too many (especially men) proceed without an attorney and then get blindsided when their ex shows up in court all lawyered up. Don't be a victim, there's way too much at stake here to be trying to save a couple thousand in attorney fees. Trust me, the attorney will pay for him or herself many times over. They know the rules - you don't. My recommendation is that you go NOW and find the best female attorney you can afford.

Very very good advice...

 

[chepsk8]

I too tried the freindly route at first, but ended up with my own lawyer, and got it ended quick and to my advantage.

A wise investment indeed....

 

[jes72mustang]

Thanks for all the advice.

I have to point out that I have been keeping a detailed journal of her activities and though I am attempting to work this in a way That is acceptable for all. I have consulted with a couple of lawyers, and the minute I feel things are not going to go in a civil way or I feel the screws are getting tightened on me, I will fight the fight.

About the only real leverage she has is child support. Since she had the affair and she chose to leave the marriage yada-yada-yada spousal support would be difficult for her to get. One of the reasons I agreed to sell the house is because I can eliminate a good bit of debt, get a cheaper more affordable place closer to where she lives so that the younger kids would go to the same elementary school from either house. Then if she decides that I am not paying enough child support and tries to put me in a position where I would not be able to afford to live or have to get a part time job I will file for joint custody, and split it 50-50 then she wouldn't get any child support.

Anyway, I just want to get through this as quickly as possible. The little property stuff isn't worth fighting over as long as I get all my tools, my cars, etc, stuff that she really doesn't have much interest in. Everything else is just stuff and can eventually be replaced.

I also figure if I take the high road, the kids will remember the way she acted and treated me badly. They are the important part in all this.

 

[68keyblr]

...Then if she decides that I am not paying enough child support and tries to put me in a position where I would not be able to afford to live or have to get a part time job I will file for joint custody, and split it 50-50 then she wouldn't get any child support.

Once the parenting order is signed by the judge, it's *very* difficult to get it changed. I would not count on winning any such thing in the court in the future. The "Status Quo" is everything; the court will always minimize change for the kids benefit. That means if you suddenly decide in the future you need more parenting time, you will have a heck of a time getting that changed, because the kids are "used to a routine."

2 years after my divorce, I hauled my ex back into court. Despite my ex's intentional - and provable - emotional abuse of my daughters, I was not awarded full custody because that would have 'upset the balance' or some nonsense like that.

Get a minimum of JOINT custody now, or full custody if you have a shot at it. DO NOT SETTLE FOR HER HAVING FULL CUSTODY, THINKING YOU CAN HAVE IT CHANGED IN THE FUTURE.

It is imperative that you get the maximum custody and financial settlement you want *now* - it won't happen later. Trust us, we've been there!

Anyhow, good luck

 

[Platonic Solid]

Get a minimum of JOINT custody now, or full custody if you have a shot at it. DO NOT SETTLE FOR HER HAVING FULL CUSTODY, THINKING YOU CAN HAVE IT CHANGED IN THE FUTURE.

It is imperative that you get the maximum custody and financial settlement you want *now* - it won't happen later. Trust us, we've been there!

I Strongly agree. If this is truely a "civil" divorce, then your ex should have no problem agreeing to joint custody. Then it's just a matter of primary residence.

There's a big difference between "civil" (where you seem to be giving up everything and she gains everything) and "fair" (where everything is split 50/50, including primary residence).

Did the attorneys you consulted actually agree that this divorce is something you should attempt without legal representation?

Do the attorneys think your plan of selling the family home (increasing your liquid assets) prior to the divorce is a wise financial move?

Why doesn't she move closer to your house, the childrens familiar home, where their friends are, so they can continue going to the same school that I assume they're already used to?

... I also figure if I take the high road, the kids will remember the way she acted and treated me badly. ...

Don't count on it. They will however remember that daddy was never around (because you were too busy working to make the outragious support payments that you wouldn't have gotten stuck with if you'd hired an attorney).

 

[rbohm]

i have to agree with the others, get yourself a good lawyer. amicable divorces are nice, but if you dont have a lawyer in your corner, and forget to dot all the i's, and cross all the "T's", you could still end up losing everything, including the kids, despite the fact that your wife was the cause of the divorce. in the long run a lawyer will be worth all the money you pay them.