> Oil Change Instructions For Women:
>
> 1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since
>the last oil change.
>
> 2. Drink a cup of coffee.
>
> 3. 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly
>maintained vehicle.
>
> Money Spent
> Oil Change $20.00
> Coffee $1.00
> Total $21.00
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
>
>
> Oil Change Instructions For Men
>
> 1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
>oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a
>check for $50.00.
>
> 2. Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,
>drive home.
>
> 3. Open a beer and drink it.
>
> 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
>
> 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>
> 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>
> 7. Place drain pan under engine.
>
> 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>
> 9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
>
> 10. Unscrew drain plug.
>
> 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
>process. Cuss.
>
> 12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
>Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
>
> 13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>
> 14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
>
> 15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer screwdriver through oil
>filter and twist off.
>
> 16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
>everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
>can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
>
> 17. Bu ddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
>oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
>
> 18. Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil change."
>Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in
>hole in back yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle.
>
> 19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>
> 20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
>
> 21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>
> 22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
>gasket surface.
>
> 23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>
> 24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
>
> 25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>
> 26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
>along with drain plug.
>
> 27. Drink beer.
>
> 28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
>dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids' sandbox to cleverly cover oily
>patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
>lawnmower gas.
>
> 29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
>kitty litter on oil spill.
>
> 30. Drink beer.
>
> 31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
>oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
>tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
> 32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
>
> 33. Begin cussing fit.
>
> 34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
>
> 35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December
>(1992) in the left boob.
>
> 36. Beer.
>
> 37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
>flow.
>
> 38. Beer.
>
> 39. Beer.
>
> 40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
>
> 41. Beer.
>
> 42. Lower car from jack stands.
>
> 43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
>
> 44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
>during steps 23 to 43.
>
> 45. Beer.
>
> 46. Test drive car.
>
> 47. Get pulled over: Arrested for driving under the influence.
>
> 48. Car gets impounded.
>
> 49. Call loving wife, make bail.
>
> 50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
>
>
> Money Spent
>
> Parts $50.00
> DUI $2500.00
> Impound fee $75.00
> Bail $1500.00
> Beer $40.00
>
> Total $4,165.00 -- But you know the job was done right!
>
> 1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since
>the last oil change.
>
> 2. Drink a cup of coffee.
>
> 3. 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly
>maintained vehicle.
>
> Money Spent
> Oil Change $20.00
> Coffee $1.00
> Total $21.00
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
>
>
> Oil Change Instructions For Men
>
> 1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
>oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a
>check for $50.00.
>
> 2. Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,
>drive home.
>
> 3. Open a beer and drink it.
>
> 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
>
> 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>
> 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>
> 7. Place drain pan under engine.
>
> 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>
> 9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
>
> 10. Unscrew drain plug.
>
> 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
>process. Cuss.
>
> 12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
>Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
>
> 13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>
> 14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
>
> 15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer screwdriver through oil
>filter and twist off.
>
> 16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
>everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
>can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
>
> 17. Bu ddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
>oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
>
> 18. Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil change."
>Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in
>hole in back yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle.
>
> 19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>
> 20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
>
> 21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>
> 22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
>gasket surface.
>
> 23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>
> 24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
>
> 25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>
> 26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
>along with drain plug.
>
> 27. Drink beer.
>
> 28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
>dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids' sandbox to cleverly cover oily
>patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
>lawnmower gas.
>
> 29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
>kitty litter on oil spill.
>
> 30. Drink beer.
>
> 31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
>oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
>tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
> 32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
>
> 33. Begin cussing fit.
>
> 34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
>
> 35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December
>(1992) in the left boob.
>
> 36. Beer.
>
> 37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
>flow.
>
> 38. Beer.
>
> 39. Beer.
>
> 40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
>
> 41. Beer.
>
> 42. Lower car from jack stands.
>
> 43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
>
> 44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
>during steps 23 to 43.
>
> 45. Beer.
>
> 46. Test drive car.
>
> 47. Get pulled over: Arrested for driving under the influence.
>
> 48. Car gets impounded.
>
> 49. Call loving wife, make bail.
>
> 50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
>
>
> Money Spent
>
> Parts $50.00
> DUI $2500.00
> Impound fee $75.00
> Bail $1500.00
> Beer $40.00
>
> Total $4,165.00 -- But you know the job was done right!