The StangNet Joke Thread

What’s it called when a short person waves at you?


A microwave

I got caught peeing in the pool the other day. The lifeguard yelled so loud, I almost fell in.

It was a very bad time of my life and I was very depressed. While walking, I looked up and saw this billboard. It said, "Are you unable to go on? Do you need my help? Call Jesus at this toll free number."
I called the number. What I got was a Mexican guy with a tow truck.

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

Student asks teacher "will we ever use any of this algebra"?
Teacher says "you won't, but one of the smart kids might"

When does a joke become a dad joke. When it becomes apparent

"Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud". "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

A guy is in hell and asks a demon what those things are on the ground. The demon says "oh, we got rid of hot coals years ago, those are Lego pieces".

A little old man
shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No,” he replied, “Arthritis.”

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. Then the older doctor marched down the hallway back
to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What the hell is the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown
children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without even looking up said, “Well…does she still have the hiccups?”

A brunette goes into the doctor's offices and says that her body hurts whenever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

A 79-year-old man is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone. "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100 and there's another condition."

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly, "Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older and we tend to look for bargains.)

Picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy.
After a few minutes, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?
I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.

A college professor is known for his habit of telling dirty jokes in his class. Some of the girls take offense, and collectively decide that the next time it happens, they are all going to walk out of his class in protest. The professor hears about the plan, so he starts his next class by saying "Hey, did you hear there's a shortage of whores in India?" All of the girls stand up and head for the door. "Wait, come back!" he says "the boat's not leaving until Saturday!"

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen"
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you

On her first day at the Senior Complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females."

"Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180."

"Are there any questions?"

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a Season Pass?”

What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle?

A dill doe

What do you use to make pickle bread?

Dill dough