We need a joke thread

codemonkey

Hungrymonkey's helper monkey

Nov 4, 2004

538

0

16

Wilsonville, OR

Jun 6, 2005

#1

• Jun 6, 2005

• #1

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.

"The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.

 

jordanvraptor

Founding Member

Aug 3, 2002

1,766

0

36

Oregon City, OR

Jun 7, 2005

#2

• Jun 7, 2005

• #2

Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?

Her dog was blind too...

How did Helen Keller burn her face?

She answered the iron...

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?

You'd kill yourself too if your name was AAAWWWWRRRRGHHHHAAAARRRRRRRR...

 

Jsmiley

Founding Member

Jun 23, 2002

182

4

19

Vancouver WA, USA

Jun 7, 2005

#3

• Jun 7, 2005

• #3

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?





She's a woman.

 

A

agirlbeatyou

Burnout Queen

Feb 25, 2003

1,376

0

0

vancouver, washington

Jun 7, 2005

#4

• Jun 7, 2005

• #4

Jsmiley said:

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?


She's a woman.

Click to expand...

What do city workers and lesbians have in common?


They dont do dick!!!!

 

W

wazazzle

New Member

Mar 30, 2005

618

1

0

In the dumpster behind McDonalds. WA

Jun 7, 2005

#5

• Jun 7, 2005

• #5

treehugger walks up to a lumberjack asks, "why are you murdering our forests?" lumberjack asks "why are you talking to me?" and punches him in the mouth. okay bad joke.. i hate treehuggers

 

hicalibrbulit

New Member

Apr 18, 2004

216

2

0

Camas, WA

Jun 7, 2005

#6

• Jun 7, 2005

• #6

What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?



A brunette!

 

DNA DOA

Member

Apr 3, 2005

184

0

17

Scappoose

Jun 7, 2005

#7

• Jun 7, 2005

• #7

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pool of water.

BOB

 

1

1993c0bra

Banned

Mar 30, 2005

1,127

0

0

Jun 7, 2005

#8

• Jun 7, 2005

• #8

At a jewelry store, guy bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The guy thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

 

1

1993c0bra

Banned

Mar 30, 2005

1,127

0

0

Jun 7, 2005

#9

• Jun 7, 2005

• #9

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

 

1

1993c0bra

Banned

Mar 30, 2005

1,127

0

0

Jun 7, 2005

#10

• Jun 7, 2005

• #10

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "**** YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

 

1

1993c0bra

Banned

Mar 30, 2005

1,127

0

0

Jun 7, 2005

#11

• Jun 7, 2005

• #11

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says But sir, its just a sperm bank, I don't care, open it now!!! he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!, she looks at him BUT, they are sperm samples??? DO IT. So the nurse sucks it back. That one there, drink that one as well, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, See honey - its not that hard.

 

1

1993c0bra

Banned

Mar 30, 2005

1,127

0

0

Jun 7, 2005

#12

• Jun 7, 2005

• #12

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!. The woman says, Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!

 

1

1993c0bra

Banned

Mar 30, 2005

1,127

0

0

Jun 7, 2005

#13

• Jun 7, 2005

• #13

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
Do you know what I am doing? asks the doctor?
Yes, checking for abnormalities. she
replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?
She replies, Yes, getting herpies thats why I am here

 

1

1993c0bra

Banned

Mar 30, 2005

1,127

0

0

Jun 7, 2005

#14

• Jun 7, 2005

• #14

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word definitely to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said The sky is definitely blue. The teacher said, Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy.

Another student says, Grass is definitely green. The teacher again replies If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either.

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher. Do farts have lumps? The teacher looked at him and said No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion. So the student replies, Then I definitely **** my pants.

 

TheRedBlur

Active Member

Jul 7, 2003

15

0

38

seattle

Jun 7, 2005

#15

• Jun 7, 2005

• #15

 

B

BeenStroked

Member

Apr 5, 2003

188

0

16

Sherwood, Or

Jun 7, 2005

#16

• Jun 7, 2005

• #16

What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?

Nothing, she's already been told twice!

 

gospeedgo

Banned

Aug 14, 2003

978

0

0

Gresham, OR

Jun 7, 2005

#17

• Jun 7, 2005

• #17

One day there was four nuns in line for confessional. The first nun
said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned." He asked how. She said
"I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy
water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have
sinned." He asked how. "I touched a man's private parts." He told her
to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they
were fighting. The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth
in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

 

gospeedgo

Banned

Aug 14, 2003

978

0

0

Gresham, OR

Jun 7, 2005

#18

• Jun 7, 2005

• #18

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems
with his sex life.

The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to
be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while
you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting
somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look
into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's
face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it
occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

 

gospeedgo

Banned

Aug 14, 2003

978

0

0

Gresham, OR

Jun 7, 2005

#19

• Jun 7, 2005

• #19

The secret of our happy marriage is taking time to go out twice a week for a nice dinner and some romance afterwards. She goes on Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

 

1

1993c0bra

Banned

Mar 30, 2005

1,127

0

0

Jun 7, 2005

#20

• Jun 7, 2005

• #20

Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.