We need a joke thread

[codemonkey]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.

"The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.

 

[jordanvraptor]

Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?

Her dog was blind too...

How did Helen Keller burn her face?

She answered the iron...

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?

You'd kill yourself too if your name was AAAWWWWRRRRGHHHHAAAARRRRRRRR...

 

[Jsmiley]

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?





She's a woman.

 

[agirlbeatyou]

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?


She's a woman.

What do city workers and lesbians have in common?


They dont do dick!!!!

 

[wazazzle]

treehugger walks up to a lumberjack asks, "why are you murdering our forests?" lumberjack asks "why are you talking to me?" and punches him in the mouth. okay bad joke.. i hate treehuggers

 

[hicalibrbulit]

What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?



A brunette!

 

[DNA DOA]

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pool of water.

BOB

 

[1993c0bra]

At a jewelry store, guy bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The guy thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

 

[1993c0bra]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

 

[1993c0bra]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "**** YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

 

[1993c0bra]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says But sir, its just a sperm bank, I don't care, open it now!!! he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!, she looks at him BUT, they are sperm samples??? DO IT. So the nurse sucks it back. That one there, drink that one as well, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, See honey - its not that hard.

 

[1993c0bra]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!. The woman says, Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!

 

[1993c0bra]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
Do you know what I am doing? asks the doctor?
Yes, checking for abnormalities. she
replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?
She replies, Yes, getting herpies thats why I am here

 

[1993c0bra]

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word definitely to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said The sky is definitely blue. The teacher said, Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy.

Another student says, Grass is definitely green. The teacher again replies If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either.

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher. Do farts have lumps? The teacher looked at him and said No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion. So the student replies, Then I definitely **** my pants.

 

[TheRedBlur]

 

[BeenStroked]

What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?

Nothing, she's already been told twice!

 

[gospeedgo]

One day there was four nuns in line for confessional. The first nun
said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned." He asked how. She said
"I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy
water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have
sinned." He asked how. "I touched a man's private parts." He told her
to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they
were fighting. The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth
in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

 

[gospeedgo]

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems
with his sex life.

The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to
be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while
you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting
somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look
into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's
face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it
occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

 

[gospeedgo]

The secret of our happy marriage is taking time to go out twice a week for a nice dinner and some romance afterwards. She goes on Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

 

[1993c0bra]

Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.