Stupidest thing you've ever heard about car performance

It always amazed me about the import world and piggy backing controll and monitoring systems. All of them like the AVFC and the Vtec controllers and the crap they have just intercepts and modifies the signal to tell the computer something different from what is actually happening.
Its just a huge buisiness, I had them (not the VTEC ) in my RX-7s and 300z because unless you had $4000+ for a stand alone there was no way to tune them. The Z's had chips but they were not adjustable (may be now).
Do they make tuners for import cars now? Always wondered why there are no Diablo or SCT tuners for a 350z or a Lexus IS, seems there is a market for it.

This made me laugh until I cried!

Hondas….BLAHHHHH!

Disclaimer: This is not my story; I found it on some other forum. I thought it was funny.


So I’m a car enthusiast, and part time auto mechanic who helps the neighbors out with their cars. I've got a little knowledge, been doing this for a few years, and I’ve got a great set of tools. I have a pretty decent Oldsmobile 442 that I take out on weekends.

So anyway. My neighbors kid turns 17, and mom gives him her Honda Civic.

Plastic and aluminum, 75 horsepower, basic commuter car, Honda Civic.

"Perfect for a new driver, economical, easy to maintain and dependable, a good car for junior," I thought to myself.

The first week was fine, he bought spinning hubcaps and a set of dragon seat covers for it. That should have been it. He should have left it alone.

The week after that, I walk out to my mailbox, and I almost called the cops. I thought I had seen a UFO. As it slowly approached...I could see it was a HONDA CIVIC...with four different blinking colors of neon underneath it. Holy *****. I almost had a f-ing seizure looking at this thing. Even the shifter knob was blinking.

...Then about 48 hours later, I’m laying in bed, when I hear BZZZZZZZZZZZZ-owwww. BZZZZ-owww. Over and over in the neighbors garage.
"Well this is an odd time for Mr. Richardson to be screwing around with his chainsaw." I thought out loud. After forty five minutes of this, I thought I'd go over and ask the neighbor to play with his chainsaw in the morning.
Here is the junior Richardson boy, proudly revving his engine up and down. 4 more wannabe fake gangsta kids were standing around "tuning" his new exhaust...which consisted mostly of 4 coffee cans spray painted silver and the words "TYPE-R" stenciled on it.

I told him to please quit f-ing with the car so I could sleep.

The following week, he asks me if he can borrow a screwdriver and a hammer. He is installing his new "type r" rear spoiler. He's rather proud of it. He paid almost 600 dollars for it. I asked him where he was going to put it, since his Civic has no trunk. "The roof, dawg" he told me.
This spoiler looks like an aluminum picnic table that you would see in a public park, except for lots of rivets in it and the words "Type R" all over.
I almost stopped him, but I wanted to see how retarded it would look.
Yup, totally retarded. Classic.
He went on to explain to me that he needs the downforce to maintain traction at racing speeds.
4 cylinders.
75 horsepower.
Downforce. Oh my god, what a retard.

It gets better.

2 weeks later, he needs to borrow my cordless drill.
He just bought a body kit, yo, and needs to be down fo' ****zle wit da tool dawg to istall it, no wut hes sane, dawg?
So he drills all of the holes, double sided tape and screws this SOB to his car, and it REALLY is beginning to look like a space ship. Or a an alien life form. Or a circus car. Well, circus, not yet. That’s coming.
Here’s the problem. The body kit is white. The car is dark green. It looks like burrito vomit..and he can’t get the doors to open or close properly, because the "body kit, yo" is catching the door jamb. So, always the helpful one, I give him my grinder. That was the coolest, watching this 'tard grind on his new 1200 dollar yo yo word up body kit. It was the flyest, dawg.

Circus act part 1.

Now, he decides he wants to "Lower the ride, dog."
I wouldn’t let him use my tools, as I was afraid this numb nut would blow himself up with what he wanted to do next.
He would cut the coils. Dangerous. Unsafe. Stupid.

He succeeded in cutting the coils, but now his new body kit drags on the ground. And, to top it all off, the car bounces up and down like a carnival ride, effectively ending his neon lighted glory. His type r exhaust was dragging on the ground as well.

You should see how this looks. A huge picnic table on the roof, 2 tone body kit, special kid tailights. Blinking, broken neon, stickers all over, buzzing like a chainsaw on crack, bouncing up and down like a clown car.

Wait, that’s not all. Now Hondatard wants a "syssem, yo." Oh yeah. He pieced together 6 different trashed car stereos, one home stereo, and a Kraagen auto parts special bass speaker, and somehow wired the neon lights (what’s left of them) to blink with the beat of the music.
...Except you can’t hear the music. You can only hear the bass...and it rattles his rooftop spoiler and license plate frame.

Now its REALLY looking AND SOUNDING like a clown car.

Now for Hondatards paint job. He puts a hood scoop from a Mustang on it, and its EMORMOUS. It kind of balanced out the retardeness of the rear spoiler/picnic table, though.
Then out come the spray cans. First, he pulled off his spinning hubcaps, and painted the wheels BLACK. Flat black.
Then he painted the body kit bright, neon yellow.
The rest of the car was painted bright red, with a purple fist turning into a dragon or some **** airbrushed on the doors.

Clown car complete? Not yet.

He comes over with a copy of "honda tuuner guy" magazine, filled with equally retarded looking cars.
He asks me: "Yo dawg, I wanna make dis here B goes fast and ****. I was thinkin of an Acura V-tec swap or some NOS"
So I asked him, what exactly do you intend to do with this car? Will you be entering it in the most retarded car contest, or what?
He says: "Naaw, cracka. That **** is be all funny and ****, but I is for reals. I need to be running in the 12s and making 350HP"
So I asked him: Why don’t you save your money and buy a car that already makes 350 horsepower, like a Camaro or a GTO or something, instead of trying to make a car that was never intended to go that fast any faster?

"Dont be a foo, yo. Everybody knows dat ode skoo **** can't hang" he tells me.
Now I’m pissed. Insulted. I said: Look here, junior, I’ll pull my Olds Cutlass out of the garage and make your **** look like it is going backwards. No nos, no turbo, no stickers and no body kit is gonna help you beat the "ODE SKOO" cars, DAWG. And the same goes for any of your other retard car driving friends.
You have 6 grand worth of **** bolted onto a 1000 dollar car that was perfectly good when you got it, and now it looks, sounds and drives like ass. Get out of my garage."
He looked like he was gonna cry.
He left with a solid "F- you dawg, I'll beat your old man car with a 150 shot" and he left, trying to pull up his drawers and give me the finger at the same time.

Now I am a responsible adult, and I do not condone street racing. However, a direct insult, challenge, and ***** you, is enough for any man to take a few risks.

Beautiful sunny day. I check the fluids. I start the engine. I anticipate a crisp, lively jaunt up the interstate.
I rev my engine, I sip my coffee.

Hondtard heard me revving my engine, and him and 2 of his friends do the same in the driveway. One is a new Acura in the pre-clown car stages of molestation, and the other one is junior's Civic. It sounds like a lawn mower race at the Richardsons house. I crank my engine up to 3000 RPM and drown them out.

I climb in my car, check the gauges, and idle out into the road.

I look in my rearview, and I’m being followed by two bouncing, brightly colored bumping clown cars with backward hat retards pointing in my direction.

I ignore them. Not worth my trouble. I’m an adult.

Acuretard and Hondtard pass me when I hit the 680 on the left and the right.
Bzzzzzzzz.
Gone. Good. I am halfway to Livermore when they blast out of the on ramp and attempt to box me in. Acuratard is revving his engine and pointing forward, Hondtard is slowing me down in front of me.

F- it. I’ve had enough.

I stuffed it down into third gear, opened all 455 cubic inches, almost rear-ended Hondatard and swerved directly at Acuratard.
I broke the rear tires loose at 70 miles an hour, and dusted these little *****s so bad they simply disappeared. I got off on the Livermore exit and waited for them on the on ramp. Some of their own game. Right back atcha homie.

I let them see me. Then I smoked the tires brutally and violently out of the ramp so that they would know I was pissed and coming for them.

I knew the Honda was slow, so I ignored him and brought it down right on the Acuras bumper. Popped on the high beams and gunned the motor. I mashed the gas in third. He thought I would bump him. 90, 100, 110....
he couldn’t begin to get away from me. Hondtard was WAAAAY in the back.
The Acura *** was scared, and beaten and he knew it. I pulled alongside.

I stuck my finger in the air and screamed f- you at Acura tard, and dumped it, quickly accelerated to 130 and held it until they couldn’t see my taillights any more.

Later that evening, as I told my fiancee this story ("your a juvenile *******, you could have killed those kids and you are going to piss off the neighbors")

I heard two chainsaws idle up very slowly to my house. Holy ****. It’s a drive by. These *****ers want to kill me.
A knock on the door.
I answer it, ready to beat some fake gangsta ass if I have to.

They want to see my car now. "Do you have nos?, is it a hemi?"

***s. Get lost.

Clown car is still on the road, but now homie g wants to learn all about the "ode skoo"

If you see this car, put a sticker on it. He seems to like them, and thinks they make the car cooler. Then dust his ass once for good measure.

If your car looks retarded and its fast, cool. Then you can look a little f-ing special and get away with it. But this thing looks like it was dropped off at the special education shop class, and it's not even quick.

In honor of Dale "pimpdaddyhustla" Richardson, class of 2006 and his clown car, I dedicate this to you. Let me take you for a ride once you feel you are man enough. You stepped up to the plate and lost big time. I’m willing to help you install the nos and the v-tecs and let you try again.

Mikey1968 said:

Hondas….BLAHHHHH!

Disclaimer: This is not my story; I found it on some other forum. I thought it was funny.

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LOL

HAHAHA! definitely a funny story!

Mustang5L5 said:

There is Osiris for the Import market.

Thing is, it's DAMN expensive @ $900



It amazes me how much the price difference between modding a Mustang and modding an import really is. Guy on the G35 forums spent $1900!!! to change out his pumpkin so he could have 3.70 gears rather than 3.30 gears. $1900!!!! That's like a $300 job for a Mustang!

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also the mustang is one that anyone with decent mechanical skills can perform whereas the g35 requires alot more know how to do, and im sure specialty tools

i was laughing so hard when i read that i had 2 family members walk out of the room. story was great.

Sorry, I just HAD to share that story! I send it out to my buds about once a year...still makes me laugh so darn hard!!!! It's even funnier to me now that I also have an Acura Integra GSR so I KNOW the difference between my two 5.0Ls, my 68 Cougar and a GSR. Not a bad car but not fast enough for a comparison to either the classics or the 5.0Ls.

I had a typical Chevy redneck pull up to me, at the gas pumps. This was a few years ago, when I only had a supercharger and TB, MAF etc. Still, I had 275 (dyno proven!) rwhp. Anyway, the 'neck was driving a 6 cylinder 80's Camaro. Out here, in the sticks, we call 6 cylinder Camaro's 'Bitchin' and 6 cylinder Firebirds are 'FireChickens', clever, I know. So 'neck asks if I want to 'run em'?! Without much tact, I shot the guy a condescending look and just said 'you must be joking!' He says, kind of sheepishly, I dunno I got an Eldebrock (purposely mis-spellled for his pronunciation of Edelbrock) carb and a dual exhaust? I just laughed some more and said "I don't think so." The guy did attempt at a really lame one-wheel peel, on the way out -- FAIL!!

Had a kid in a v6 mustang last weekend pull up to the place we all hang out, gave us the " I'm a badass" Stare, and did a hilarious one-tire fire brake stand, and drove off like a bat out of hell. Ya I've got a few of these stories, but my town is full of these people

tannerc91gt said:

Had a kid in a v6 mustang last weekend pull up to the place we all hang out, gave us the " I'm a badass" Stare, and did a hilarious one-tire fire brake stand, and drove off like a bat out of hell. Ya I've got a few of these stories, but my town is full of these people

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i had a guy try and race me in his little 6cyl toyota pickup today

I had a 4dr Nissan Frontier full of Mexicans that wanted to race me in traffic a few days ago when I was rolling in the WRX. They wouldn't leave me alone so I gave it a third gear goose and they took off.

I was driving home thurs night after work in my wrangler and a guy who had to be in his fifties pulled up next to me in a chrysler crossfire wearing leather driving gloves (you've seen those guys). He was doing the jockey thing back and forth. I thought to myself "does this guy want to race my wrangler?" My jeep would probably run a 20 sec 1/4! All of a sudden his rear spoiler raised up and he nailed it! Priceless$$$$

Cobra912 said:

I love this one. How about the dryer vent hose to the air filter 75 hp trick as one kid told me. His neon was pushing 250 hp according to him........

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worst thing about this one is when i was 16 with my first mustang i did this...... i ran the drier hose from the air dam on my gt and to my K&N air filter. i then proceeded to think the car could blow the tires off in every gear, until that is the vacuum from the engine pulling in air at WOT collapsed the drier vent and my car wouldnt rev past 1000 RPM. God i was a retard in my youth

Man this thread has me dying
If i could only remember all the stupid crap I have heard.
A real distinct one I do remember: I was parked at a musclecar cruise where alot of people hang out and just show off their cars. Well, this kid walks up to me and asks how I like my turbo...I dont have a turbo. I asked him what hes talking about and he points at my disconnected smog pump I laughed, didnt say a word and walked away.

I also get alot of people asking how I put an 04 cobra motor in my car. Just because my intake manifold says cobra they think it is the newer cobra motor lmao

I am working on a 05' Jeep Grand Cherokee that this kid pulled the 4.7L V-8 out of and put in a 5.7L Hemi out of a 05' Durango. Now he needs all of the wiring changed over to make it work. Jeep comes stock with throttle cable, Hemi uses drive by wire ect. ect. ect. Anyway before I agree to do the work, I want to look at the Jeep to see what I am getting myself into. I notice that the engine is speed density, and I make some comment about that. The kid's old man pipes up and says "speed density is where it's at, them damn flapper valve mass air meters are to restrictive to get in enough air for a Hemi!" I said, " What? Are you talking about a vane air meter like on a early VW rabbit, or the early MAF that Ford used in 86' on some of the 4 cyl. cars?" " Man even a 05' F-150 with a 5.4 has a 93mm MAF stock!" And this kids dad then tells me" No, them MAF's are way to restrictive, even the Mustang guy's know that, just ask them, they are all dumping the MAF and Ford ECU's and using the Dodge ECU and speed density on their Mustangs because you cannot tune a Ford ECU, and the Dodge ECU is so tuneable even a retard can do it." Needless to say, I just look at this guy like he is from Mars. And I said that I had never heard of such a thing. And this guy then tells me that I must not be "up" on what is happening in the Mustang World. WOW! How could I be so behind the times! I had to change the subject before I either was overcome with laughter or the desire to punch the guy.
For the amount of $ this kid is putting into this Jeep, he could have traded in his Jeep for another Jeep that came from the factory with the Hemi already in it, and been $ ahead. And the sad thing is, this swap gets him only 75 H.P more than the stock 4.7L engine. Hell he could have put a supercharger on the 4.7L engine and made more power for less $

Well on my hemi stang, I use the ECU from the dodge ram and the speed density parts came from a Durango, running a little rough but it's a lot easier to tune, gotta love mopar

So does that mean I need a Chrysler ECU for my Lincoln?

Here's another salesman approach.

I went to my local Winner Ford dealership chain after I spotted an 03 Azure Blue Mach 1. Thing was immaculate, owned by an older gentlemen who never beat it, or let it leave his garage it seemed. Had 60,000 miles on the clock.

Anyway, I tell the guy I'm interested, only wanted 12k for it. Figured I'd have to see whats up. We're about to take it for a test drive, the guy goes, "This thing is mean...thing is fast...its supercharged!" I'm wondering to myself, "Hmm interesting, possibly supercharged Mach 1?". I pop the hood.

No supercharger. Stock piping for shaker hood and all.

I say "No its not." He just stares at me, perplexed.