Which of these handy tools inhabit your toolbox?
GLOSSARY OF YOUR FAVORITE TOOLS
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly ******ing flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that i! t smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted airplane part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls
and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the
handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose
is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells
might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt, but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly
rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not
far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
While yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next
tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow
eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
Channel lock pliers - primarily used to create large blood blisters on the side of index fingers, usually right after mechanics glove is removed.
20 Ton Press - Designed to correct a bend in critical parts by quickly snapping the part into two pieces. Often handy when hacksaw is not available.
Screwdriver drawer - Works on the same principle as the porch light attracting moths except that it attracts family members. Always empty.
Plasma Cutter - scary tool that is way to powerful to master and use in a straight line cut. - always found next to the 120 volt wire welder covered in equal amount of dust and near a pile of "Scrap" metal.
Rollaways: generally attracts every sticker from every vendor you bought a part for. Usually doesn't rollaway in most garages.
Bench Vise: predaccessor to the hydraulic press. A primative but useful method for unbending things. Also useful in place of hacksaw as well.
Magnetic Pickup Tool: can at times, reduce the risk of being a DAMMIT tool. However, do not use it at your favorite bar... does not work on chicks.
2x4: mentioned earlier; not only is it a tool, (used in the cockpit when lifitng up the FFR body) can act as a drill bit backing, hammering surface, tire wedges, engine cradle shim and when it's about to give up the ghost, can be lit-up in your fireplace to keep you warm.
Dremel Tool: the original electric swiss army knife! Everything can be done with this gadget short of smoking a turkey.
Snap-Ring Pliers: NEVER EVER buy the cheap ones. Get the real thing because the cheap ones are the one's that put the "snap" in snap ring pliers. I have about 4 or 5 to prove it!
Cherry Picker Engine Hoist. A most unique device for slicing the air hose you forgot to pick up.
Ball Peen Hammer. A tool used for changing the color under your fingernails from pink to black.
BEER The most often used multipurpose tool in the shop. Can be use in helping in: First aid,stripping bolts,tripping over the most smallest thing on the shop floor,Helping guide the dammit tool directly to and puncturing the cardboard box containing the windshield.Large quantities of this magic wonder fluid along with the magic word "Pizza" will attract forum members to your shop.
GLOSSARY OF YOUR FAVORITE TOOLS
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly ******ing flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that i! t smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted airplane part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls
and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the
handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose
is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells
might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt, but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly
rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not
far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
While yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next
tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow
eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
Channel lock pliers - primarily used to create large blood blisters on the side of index fingers, usually right after mechanics glove is removed.
20 Ton Press - Designed to correct a bend in critical parts by quickly snapping the part into two pieces. Often handy when hacksaw is not available.
Screwdriver drawer - Works on the same principle as the porch light attracting moths except that it attracts family members. Always empty.
Plasma Cutter - scary tool that is way to powerful to master and use in a straight line cut. - always found next to the 120 volt wire welder covered in equal amount of dust and near a pile of "Scrap" metal.
Rollaways: generally attracts every sticker from every vendor you bought a part for. Usually doesn't rollaway in most garages.
Bench Vise: predaccessor to the hydraulic press. A primative but useful method for unbending things. Also useful in place of hacksaw as well.
Magnetic Pickup Tool: can at times, reduce the risk of being a DAMMIT tool. However, do not use it at your favorite bar... does not work on chicks.
2x4: mentioned earlier; not only is it a tool, (used in the cockpit when lifitng up the FFR body) can act as a drill bit backing, hammering surface, tire wedges, engine cradle shim and when it's about to give up the ghost, can be lit-up in your fireplace to keep you warm.
Dremel Tool: the original electric swiss army knife! Everything can be done with this gadget short of smoking a turkey.
Snap-Ring Pliers: NEVER EVER buy the cheap ones. Get the real thing because the cheap ones are the one's that put the "snap" in snap ring pliers. I have about 4 or 5 to prove it!
Cherry Picker Engine Hoist. A most unique device for slicing the air hose you forgot to pick up.
Ball Peen Hammer. A tool used for changing the color under your fingernails from pink to black.
BEER The most often used multipurpose tool in the shop. Can be use in helping in: First aid,stripping bolts,tripping over the most smallest thing on the shop floor,Helping guide the dammit tool directly to and puncturing the cardboard box containing the windshield.Large quantities of this magic wonder fluid along with the magic word "Pizza" will attract forum members to your shop.
