Guide To Driving


Founding Member
Feb 13, 2002
Buffalo, NY
Most people consider driving merely a way to get from point A to point B, just another boring method of transportation. As I've proved countless times on this site, most people are stupid. Driving represents an externalization of the ultimate conflict which rages inside every human being, the need to fully realize who we are and where we are going in our lives. It is an expressive action which opens up a window to every persons' soul, revealing their inner desires and a shockingly accurate representation of their true nature. Actually, now that I think about it, I guess driving really is just another boring method of transportation. My mistake.

Chapter One: Know Your Enemies!

Before actually getting in your car and going somewhere, you should become familiar with the various people who inhabit the highways and byways of America, the individuals whose sole purpose on Earth is to congest the roadway ahead of your vehicle and cause you to get into a fiery hellish inferno of destruction. These enemies come in a variety of different forms, spanning every ethnic and physical description possible. Every class of driver has their own distinct "Sphere of Awareness" factor, a measurement which describes exactly how aware of their surrounding environment these people are. Study the following guide and become well versed on each group. It just may save your life.

The Homeboyz


SPHERE OF AWARENESS: Miles, as they're continuously scanning the horizon for rival Homeboyz, potential dating material, and anybody with a louder stereo system than theirs.
AVERAGE SPEED: Below the speed limit
DESCRIPTION: There are four primary types of Homeboyz to be aware of: white, black, Hispanic, and Asian. Other groups, such as the Icelandic Homeboyz and the Norwegian Homeboyz, probably exist, but don't have such a strong presence. The Homeboyz can be easily spotted thanks to an early warning detection system known as "sticking your head outside the window." If you hear a faint, repetitious thumping noise, you can be almost sure that a Homeboy is somewhere within a 15 mile radius of your automobile. Homeboyz vehicles are notorious for going against the "traditional" vehicle cost structure (how the majority of the money invested in the vehicle is spent) which is as follows:

1) The car itself
2) Additional safety features
3) Burglar protection system

Instead, the cost structure for Homeboyz cars is as follows:

1) Stereo system
2) Tires
3) Spoiler / stick-on decals that display their car manufacturer's name in gigantic letters

The actual cost of the car ranks somewhere around 158th place, right below "crown-shaped air freshener". As a result, you will see many Homeboyz driving around in "souped up" (read as: "has car doors from a totally different vehicle") cars like stolen and recently impounded Hondas. Despite having an above average Sphere of Awareness, Homeboyz are usually reclined back in their seats to the point where the top of their forehead is well below the dashboard. Many scientists studying the habits of Homeboyz were at a loss to explain how they were able to see their surroundings through the metal and plastic of the car, at least until Dr. Rex Mendoza was able to capture a Homeboy-mobile and examine the interior. He was surprised to learn that Homeboyz have actually evolved to their driving style, featuring something dubbed a "Homeboy Periscope" which allows them to see the road in front of their car while being submerged up to five feet below the dashboard. If you encounter a Homeboy, do NOT under any circumstances look in its general direction, as the glare from all the chrome of the vehicle and the 10 cubic tons of imitation gold around their necks will instantly blind you.

Elderly Couple About to Die


AVERAGE SPEED: Dangerously low
DRIVING STYLE: Unpredictable
DESCRIPTION: The Elderly Couple About to Die are part of a totally foreign culture, one which believes that the final act of somebody's existence should be to pass away behind the steering wheel of their own car. They feel that the most holy and pure way to "pass on to the big toll booth in the sky" is while driving down the highway. As a result, there are now hordes of these people clogging up the arteries of our streets and roads, simply cruising around at the slowest speed they can possibly reach without shifting into reverse. These folks have absolutely nowhere to go and no time they have to be there, so one must exercise caution when encountering them. Luckily, they can be spotted easily. Simply look for the following obvious indicators:

Collection of foam hats on the back windshield
License plate holder which reads "World's Greatest Grandparents"
Bumper sticker that mentions either Jesus or the VFW
Car is the size of a large houseboat
Beanie Baby collection on back windshield

Luckily they are not very aggressive, although they do have a tendency to shift into other lanes with little to no warning. Scientists believe that not even the Elderly Couple is aware of when they're going to shift lanes; an unpredictable biological impulse is suddenly sent to the driver's brain and he immediately reacts by swerving to the right or left. No cure has been found for this disease yet, as the test subjects tend to keep dying.

Short Japanese Woman in a Cute Little Sports-Utility Vehicle


DESCRIPTION: The Short Japanese Woman in a Cute Little Sports-Utility Vehicle is a fairly new genre of driver, spawned by America's sudden interest in driving mammoth, expensive vehicles that resemble pregnant Jeeps. Like the Homeboy (see previous page), this type of driver is able to see the road in front of them despite the fact they're a good few inches below the dashboard. However, unlike the Homeboy, this is due to their physical height, as many of them are well under four feet tall. The way the Short Japanese Woman in a Cute Little Sports-Utility Vehicle is able to see comes through the ingenious use of her cellphone (which is embedded in her shoulder). There is actually an underground telephone service for these people which informs them of the traffic in front of their car and provides detailed driving instructions. This is why you will always see the Short Japanese Woman in a Cute Little Sports-Utility Vehicle using her cellphone - because it is needed to survive. If, in the freakish chance that you notice one not using her phone, it is advised to pull over and stay very far away from her, as the chances of a collision are exponentially higher. Accidents involving a SUV result in a 98% probability that the other driver will be killed and the SUV itself will suffer a minor scratch on its titanium-enhanced bumper.
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Crazed Mother With Kids

SPHERE OF AWARENESS: Limited to inside vehicle
AVERAGE SPEED: Above speed limit
DRIVING STYLE: Unpredictable
DESCRIPTION: Often in vehicles such as minivans and expensive SUVs, the Crazed Mother With Kids will never be seen driving a vehicle smaller than 6,000 cubic feet (no, I don't know how large that is in the Metric System. I'm guessing 18 hectometers per milliliter). Inside their urban tanks are hundreds of children who are either being shipped to soccer practice, from school, or to the grocery store. The kids, who have been sitting inside the vehicle for over 19 months, are often spastic and cranky. They can be seen throwing objects around and scampering around like little rat bastard daemons. After putting up with this situation for countless years, the Crazed Mother With Kids has developed an extra neck muscle which allows her to rotate her head around to face the rear of the vehicle within nanoseconds. A string of profanities is then released from her mouth, and she threatens her children by promising "to let your father to know exactly how you're acting." Unfortunately, this event often causes the vehicle to unexpectedly swerve and cross lanes, creating a very dangerous situation. Drivers should respond by shooting these vehicles with a large antitank missile. Hey, the kids would've probably grown up to be convicts anyway, it's no big loss.

Foreign Family With 100 Members Inside Car


CHANCES OF ENCOUNTER: Very high (in southern states)
AVERAGE SPEED: Below speed limit
DESCRIPTION: Although the driving style and speed of the Foreign Family With 100 Members Inside Car isn't very unique, the fact that they are somehow to cram every member of their family, their family's family, and their friend's family's family into their car is a remarkable achievement. This, combined with the fact that their vehicle is usually some rust-bucket Chevy Nova manufactured back in the Carter administration, has baffled scientists. Current theory dictates that the Foreign Family With 100 Members Inside Car utilizes space age "Clowncar Technology" to shove an ungodly number of human beings into such little space. The driving style of this species is quite predictable, as they're usually heading for either Target, Wal-Mart, or the In N' Out Burger. A popular crossbreed of the Foreign Family With 100 Members Inside Car species includes the "Redneck Family On Their Way to Tha' Sizzler or Maw's House".

The Very Important Businessman


SPHERE OF AWARENESS: Limited to his cellphone and approximately 10 feet in front of his car
AVERAGE SPEED: Obscenely fast
DESCRIPTION: The Very Important Businessman, due primarily to his high rate of speed, is a very hostile creature. They usually drive expensive German vehicles or fancy SUVs at velocities up to 200 miles an hour (in the Metric system that's 984.12 micrograms per cubical). The Very Important Businessman suffers from "Me Syndrome", a disease which convinces him that he's the only person that exists in the world. This flaw results in The Very Important Businessman devoting absolutely no attention to the safety of others or the effect his erratic driving may have on them. As far as he's concerned, all other vehicles are simply large metallic paperweights that are trying to slow him down and keep him from getting to the golf course for his scheduled tee time. Unfortunately, the only known cure for "Me Syndrome" is death (either yours or his). The Very Important Businessman has a short temper and likes to scream at cars around him, so next time you see one, insult the Republican party and watch the sparks fly!
Mr. Mid-life Crisis


SPHERE OF AWARENESS: Extended to anything shiny and / or pretty
DESCRIPTION: While Mr. Mid-life Crisis may at first appear to belong the the species of The Very Important Businessman, a closer inspection will reveal distinct separations between the two. The most striking difference revolves around the tendency for Mr. Mid-life Crisis to own a convertible or some type of car which has a removable roof. While The Very Important Businessman may own a similar car, Mr. Mid-life Crisis will be the only one to actually have the roof off. Scientists believe this is because they want to feel the wind breeze through their newly-implanted hair, or perhaps let the sun tan their cosmetically-altered faces. Mr. Mid-life Crisis, due to his dramatically shrinking penis size and the realization that his life is a hollow shell of failure and wasted lies, has a tendency to overcompensate for his shortcomings by purchasing things which will make him look younger and more appealing to women who are attracted to embarrassingly stupid looking middle-aged men. You will often see them wearing brightly colored Polo shirts, khaki pants, and whatever sunglasses were recently featured on a "hip" action movie. Surveys have shown that over 87% of these people have customized license plates, the most popular ones reading:

1) 2fast4U
3) CYA

They are often seen traveling at high speeds from the local mall (where they bought a nine gallon jug of cologne). Although they do go very fast, they are often harmless, as they hate to cause damage to the vehicle they just spend half their life savings on (the other half spent on designer sunglasses). Women aged 18-30 may receive uncomforting looks from this species and should NEVER make eye contact, as this could result in the knowledge that a little Viagra-enhanced part of his body is rising to attention.

Makeup Lady


SPHERE OF AWARENESS: Limited to whatever's in her purse
DESCRIPTION: As one of the most dangerous creatures on the road, Makeup Lady is responsible for countless accidents and highway deaths. She devotes nearly all her attention to staring in her rearview mirror, focused on the lipstick and eyeliner she's attempting to smear across her face before she arrives at work. As a result, her driving is extremely erratic and unpredictable, often exhibiting the same tendencies as somebody who drank an entire keg of malt liquor and then ingested a funnel full of tar heroin. If Makeup Lady cuts you off or causes you to swerve into a drainage ditch, killing all passengers aboard your vehicle and turning it into a horrible twisted wreck of unimaginable tragedy and destruction, it is pointless to yell at her because she won't be able to hear you over the Dr. Laura show on her radio. Wait until she gets to work and then call her on the phone, assuming she's not gossiping with about the size of Betty from the accounting department's ass.

The Hippiemobile


SPHERE OF AWARENESS: Large, but very inaccurate
DESCRIPTION: The Hippiemobile is one of the most easily recognizable vehicles on the road today. One of the telltale signs of The Hippiemobile includes the entire rear of this vehicle being covered in bumper stickers for various psychedelic bands or liberal political causes. The top five popular stickers include:

1) "The Doors"
2) "Mean People Suck"
3) Something with dancing Gummi Bears on it
4) "Phish"
5) Some kind of flower with multicolored petals

While The Hippiemobile isn't a very aggressive species, there is a chance that being trapped behind it in traffic will result in some very odd fumes entering your car and clouding your ability to think rationally. If you see the people inhabiting The Hippiemobile laughing uncontrollably, do not bother attempting to ask what they're laughing at, because chances are you won't understand (and will likely involve a talking bird). The most common Hippiemobiles include VW Beetles, VW Vans, and "mom's car."
Little Miss White College Prettygirl


DRIVING STYLE: Aggressively terrible
DESCRIPTION: Exposure to numerous alcohol-induced frat parties and Dave Matthew's Band concerts have left Little Miss White College Prettygirl with one of the smallest Spheres of Awareness possible, limited to whatever's happening in her severely damaged brain. Although this alone makes her very dangerous, the mere fact that she did not pay for her own car or auto insurance nearly doubles the aggressiveness of her driving. If she wrecks daddy's Eddie Bauer Ford Explorer into the side of a Gap, she can just go get a new one on her Visa Triple Platinum credit card. An effective technique to lure away Little Miss White College Prettygirl is to call up her cellphone claiming to be "Stacy" and asking why she's not at the important rush meeting. This will cause her vehicle to come to a screeching halt and immediately turn around, hopefully resulting in a tanker trailer full of Hydrocyanic acid to collide and dump its contents all over her tanning booth enhanced face (containing no more than 45% medical implants and cosmetic enhancements). Exercise extreme caution.
Chapter Two: Getting To Wherever the Hell You're Going

Now that you've been introduced to the many exciting demonic creatures who inhabit the roads of the world, it's time to cover the actual process of getting from point A to point B. To temporarily stall the process of humanity's inevitable devolution into a bunch of violent apes in sports cars, the world's governments have decided to scatter street signs along the roads and highways. These small, tarnished, metal signs are the only safeguard which keeps our society from literally falling apart. Of course, nobody really pays any attention to or obeys these street signs, so it's a real testament to human nature that we haven't already nuked our planet into a series of kidney-sized chunks.

The Signs of Safety: The Stop Sign

The most common street sign you will ever encounter is the stop sign. Although the more ignorant and gullible members of society may interpret this sign as meaning "stop", the more savvy drivers of the world know otherwise. The stop sign isn't really a concrete rule, as it is more of a helpful suggestion like, "if you have nothing better to do and you're not in a hurry, you may want to consider stopping or at least slowing down to under 100 miles an hour." Many people don't understand why there are so many stop signs throughout the globe, but this is because they simply can't see the "big picture". All governments are in cahoots with the major oil companies, choosing to place stop signs every six feet along residential and city streets. The abundance of these signs results in increased gasoline usage, therefore making the oil industry ungodly amounts of money. I've been told by some of my friends who live deep in the woods that the UN and Area 51 is somehow involved, but I'm fairly sure that UFOs don't use gasoline. I think they're powered by coal.

Although the basic shape and design of stop signs are the same, small details may vary from place to place. Here are a few examples of signs from around the world.



East St. Loius (currently missing)


To show the world you're a real intelligent guy who's "in the know", you should ONLY come to a halt at the stop sign if one of the following requirements are met:

There is a car traveling across the street at an intersecting angle.
A crippled woman, retarded child, or nun is crossing the street in front of you (in which case you should start honking your horn and make colorful, animated gestures if they haven't passed by in two seconds). If it's a crippled, retarded nun, you should give her an extra four seconds before flooring it.
The transmission just fell out of your car and your vehicle won't move.

In any other case, you should either slow down to below Mach 4 or at least look to the left and right for any incoming cement trucks. It is perfectly acceptable to run through a stop sign if you fall into any of these criteria:

You're in a hurry.
You were in a hurry.
You will hypothetically be in a hurry sometime in the near future.
Due to temporary insanity, you have forgotten where the brakes are.
You are afraid there's a bomb in your vehicle which will cause it to detonate if it comes to a complete halt.
The voices in your head command you to constantly travel at 87 miles an hour or the Dark Lord Lucifer will become displeased and cause the crops in Iowa to whither and decay.
You think a crazed policeman with a waling siren and flashing lights is stalking you and you're simply trying to escape. I mean, he could be the guy from "Psycho Cop Returns"!
Your car is one of those "newer Japanese models" that don't decelerate.
There's a bug on the acceleration pedal you're trying to squish.
You're pregnant (works only for women and fat feminine men).
There is a kickin' Men Without Hats song on the radio and you can't help but "rock out".
You're about to miss "Silk Stockings" on the USA Network.

All of those excuses are perfectly legit things to say when attempting to talk yourself out of a speeding / traffic ticket, so feel free to use them when pulled over. If that doesn't work, attempt to bribe the officer with some of the loose change in your glove compartment. If that fails as well, try to take his gun and sell it back to him.

The Signs of Safety: Various Other Unimportant Signs

Littering our roads like, uh, a whole bunch of litter, are an assortment of various other stupid signs which mean little to nothing. The only reason these signs have been erected is to give the National Department of ****ing Up Traffic something to do besides spewing thousands of plastic orange cones onto every road they pass. I think they also have something to do with those pesky unmarked black helicopters which buzz by my apartment at night, trying to steal my thoughts. Anyway, here's a brief overview of all those "other signs" you will encounter on the road:

Traffic Lights:


Green light: Go.


Yellow light: Go really fast because it's about to turn red.


Red light: Go really really fast because it either just turned red or it's about to turn green.

Yield Sign:


No functional purpose. Solely for decoration.

Speed Limit Signs:


You may safely go up to 60 miles an hour.


You may safely go up to 100 miles and hour.


Speed limit is somwhere around the speed of light.

Indication you're probably going the wrong way:


You might want to turn around at this point.

Sign you've clearly gone the wrong way:

Just give up and take the goddamn bus.

General Rules of Traveling:

Good drivers never stop. Stopping is considered a sign of weakness and will allow the larger, more aggressive cars to gang up and bully you around. Your car should always be in motion. If, in some bizarre situation you cannot physically move forward at all, you should shift into reverse and slowly go backwards until there's enough room for you to inch forward again. If you cannot move backwards, you should flee from your vehicle and carjack somebody else in the other lane.

Tailing people makes them go faster. If the dimwitted, idiotic waste of skin in front of you doesn't feel the pressing need to floor their accelerator in a school zone, it is your God-given right to get as close as humanly possible to their rear bumper. This will set off their car's "Go Faster Detector" and cause them to increase their speed by at least 30 miles an hour. If you want their Go Faster Detector to work even quicker, throw your arms in their air and say, "for God's sake, move it!"

The horn is the most essential part of your vehicle. It lets everybody around you know that you do, in fact, have a functioning car horn which can sporadically emit loud, piercing noises. The horn should be used in the following cases:

You want somebody to speed up.
You want somebody to slow down.
You're angry.
You're happy.
You're alive.
You weren't sure if your horn was working.
The sky is blue (or any other color).

Learn how to predict other cars' actions. Most vehicles that aren't owned by rednecks have a few lights called "turn signals." They are used to indicate which direction the vehicle may or may not be going in the immediate future. Here's how to decipher their signals:

Vehicle's left turn signal is on: vehicle will never, ever, ever make a left. It will either immediately lurch into the right lane or it may keep going straight, but under no circumstances will it ever go left.
Vehicle's right turn signal is on: driver accidentally hit the right turn signal and has no intentions of going to the right.
No turn signal is on: car is going to swerve either to the right or left.
Talking on your cellphone is strongly encouraged. You look "cool" if you're chatting away on your phone while changing radio stations, eating a sandwich, and playing a particularly heated game of Solitaire on your Palm Pilot. This makes you look like a veteran, experienced driver who just came back from competing in the Indy 500 or flying secret experimental government spaceships. People will remember you as being the ultimate commuter when they read about your charred, decapitated corpse in the next day's newspaper.

People will understand if you're in a hurry. If you really need to get somewhere fast, it is perfectly acceptable to make a right hand turn from the left lane, drive through 50 consecutive stop signs, and cut off the busload of orphans who are on their way to church. Your Sphere of Awareness should be inversely proportional to the speed you're going; the faster you go, the less you should care about the people around you. Flashing your bright lights on and off repeatedly is the universal sign that you're in a hurry. It also means you're a real *******.

The more foam and stuffed objects a driver has lined up on their rear dashboard, the older they are. If you pass a vehicle with a stuffed animal on the back of it, it is probably being driven by a middle-aged mother. If you see a car with a couple Beanie Babies and a foam hat which reads "OKLAHOMA" across it, chances are the driver is recently retired. If there's over 50 stuffed Garfield dolls and miscellaneous golf hats in the car, you should probably call the Police because the people inhabiting the vehicle have been dead for at least 10 years.

If you get in a car accident and your door is critically damaged, don't be afraid to replace it with a different colored door from another vehicle. This shows the rest of the world that you are a rebel and are denouncing their fascist, materialistic values. If you are rear-ended, feel free to tie the trunk to your bumper with some rope you found wrapped around a bale of hay. If your windows are damaged or smashed in, replace them with garbage bags or lots of Saran Wrap. In the unfortunate chance your tire blows out, replace it with a spare and use it until it blows out. Then abandon the car alongside the highway.

Tinting your own windows not only saves money but it looks real cool as well. Nothing says "class" quite like a vehicle which has countless bubbles and tears all over the windshield. It's like driving around in a lava lamp! Far out, brother!

Even though it's not mandatory in every state, you should always buy auto insurance for your car. Once you agree to pay the $5000 a month, your insurance company will give you a piece of paper with their name written across it and a secret code. The company will advise you to carry this card with you wherever you go: to the store, vacations, funerals, your own bathroom, Mars, etc. More than likely, you will leave it in the envelope in your kitchen's drawer. Try not to get into a car accident unless you're driving around in your kitchen.
No, Unfortunately I didn't write that, but I will take credit for going through the horrors of uploading all those images and dealing with the "limted" test restrictions. When I read this at work, I had to share it with everyone here as I was spotting from laughing too hard!