Tell your favorite joke

[kristopher]

Nothing I love more than to crack up laughing at a good joke. I dont know to many but I will start off with one.

This pirate comes walking into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks him why. The pirate replies "Argh!, I dont know but it's driving me nuts!"

Ok now lets here yours......

 

[mootang]

try this one on the ladies!

You ask.....
did you hear about the barbeque?

they say no......

then you say....
THE ONE WHERE I SLAPPED MY MEET ON YOUR GRILL!!!!!!!

 

[sociopath5.0]

Assassin


The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!"

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

 

[89 blue lx]

what the opposite or christopher reeve?







chris walken

 

[sociopath5.0]

Why do brides always wear white?






You want your dishwasher to match your stove and refrigerator don't you?

 

[sociopath5.0]

A drunken homeless bum wakes up on the sandy shore of the river that runs through town and begins stumbling towards the town in search of spare change. As he is walking along the shore he comes across a Baptist congregation having a service by the water. As he gets closer, he sees the preacher in the water who calls out to him,

"Hey Brother. Will you join us in finding Jesus?"

Still disoriented and drunk the bum mumbles "I guess."

The preacher takes the drunk into the water, and dunks him backwards.

The drunk struggles upright after a few seconds, gasping and sputtering.

"Have you found Jesus, Brother?" asks the preacher.

"Nope." says the drunk.

The preacher dunks the drunk again, and holds him down even longer.

"Have you found Jesus yet, Brother?"

"Uh uh." sputters the drunk.

The Preacher holds him down for over a minute the next time, the drunk is thrashing and wriggling violently.

When he surfaces the preacher asks again, irritated and fed up, "Have you found Jesus, Brother?!!"

"****!! Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[kristopher]

what the opposite or christopher reeve?



chris walken

Good stuff so far guys

 

[vristang]

A blonde walks into an autoparts store and tells the clerk that she has lost her "710" cap and would like a new one. The clerk was confused and asked for a description of the part. The blonde says that it is under the hood, and that it has "710" written on it. After several minutes of attempted descriptions both parties are getting short tempered. Finally the store clerk asked the blonde to draw the cap. The blonde draws what looks like a cap with a "710" on it. From across the counter the clerk finally understands as he reads "OIL"

 

[1105]

A blonde walks into an autoparts store and tells the clerk that she has lost her "710" cap and would like a new one. The clerk was confused and asked for a description of the part. The blonde says that it is under the hood, and that it has "710" written on it. After several minutes of attempted descriptions both parties are getting short tempered. Finally the store clerk asked the blonde to draw the cap. The blonde draws what looks like a cap with a "710" on it. From across the counter the clerk finally understands as he reads "OIL"

thats why I couldnt find my 710 cap at the store? I feel like such an idiot now

 

[Blk05Retro]

This guy was desperate for sex and headed down to get a prostitute. He drove around for a while and finally was able to pick one up for a good price. He took her to a motel where he started to do some serious carpet munching. After about five minutes, he feels something caught in between his teeth. He is able to very quickly remove what looked to be a small piece of hamburger and continued on with the task at hand. Several minutes later he feels something else in between his teeth. He digs a few seconds and is able to dislodge a piece of noodle, he is starting to wonder by now. Well he continues on. After about 10 minutes, he feels something in his mouth. He pulls it out and it is a small piece of bread, he can’t take it any long and looks up at her and asked “lady are you sick or something?” She answered and said “no the guy before you was.”

 

[Sleepy McNastee]

A guy is getting home from work, and when he walks in his wife is packing her bags.

"What are you doing?" he asks her.

She says, " I'm leaving you." He asks her why.

She replies, " you are a pedophile..."

He exclaims, "whhoooaaa now, thats a big word for an 11 year old."

 

[95riosnake]

A guy is getting home from work, and when he walks in his wife is packing her bags.

"What are you doing?" he asks her.

She says, " I'm leaving you." He asks her why.

She replies, " you are a pedophile..."

He exclaims, "whhoooaaa now, thats a big word for an 11 year old."

 

[slytherin]

A woman gets pulled over by a state patrol officer for speeding.
The patrolmen walks up to the car asks the woman" why are you in such a hurry"
The woman replies " I need to get to the doctors for a procedure"
Patrolmen "what does this procedure entail?"
Woman " well if you must know it's this procedure where they start stretching your anus, by the time they are done your anus is stretched out to 6feet"
Patrolmen" what do you do with a 6foot A-hole?"
Woman"You put in a patrol car and have it issue tickets"

 

[95Vert]

There was a dog called tomato. One day he got run over, now he's called ketchup.

 

[kristopher]

A guy walks up to another Man and see's a dog near him
The guy asks "Does your dog bite"?
The man replies "No my dog doesnt bite"
The guy reaches down to pet the dog and gets bit.
"Ouch!, I thought you said he doesnt bite" says the guy
The Man replies "Thats not my dog"

 

[Caldwell]

So this guy walks into a bar and says, "Gve me two beers."

The bartender acknowledges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more beers."

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down 12 beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, "What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?"

So the man opens his wallet and says, "The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets."

 

[Caldwell]

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

 

[SN95StangMan]

Pregnant Blonde

A pregnant blone, brunette, and a redhead are sitting around talking. The Brunette says,
"I'm going to have a boy, because I was on top when we did it."
The redhead says,
"I'm going to have a girl, becuase I was on bottom when we did it."
Then the blonde says,
"Oh my god, I'm going to have puppies!!!"

 

[Caldwell]

Once there were two farmers. One had a daughter and the other had a son. When their kids were teenagers they started dating, and the two farmers encouraged it. One day the girl's father went over to the other farmer's house and said that he didn't want their children dating anymore. The boy's father asked, "Why not?"

The other farmer said, "Come here and I'll show you." In his yard was the girl's name written in pee in the snow.

The boy's father said, "Oh, come on, that's just boy stuff."

The other farmer said, "You think I dont' know my own daughter's handwriting?"

 

[BlueOvalStangGT]

LOL @ all of these. A guy from my work told me this and I thought it was funny

First you ask someone:" If you woke up one day in a tent, with lube in bettween your cheeks and your ass was bleeding would you tell anyone"

Your first answer would probably be no because it would be embarrasing so your target audience says "no"

Then you say " Ok, want to go camping with us this weekend?"