Not all mascots are created equal, especially when it comes to winning a bar fight. You might not think this is a necessary skill; you've obviously never worked as a mascot. A mascot must be ready for an attack at any point and must be especially vigilant for attacks by other mascots, especially the Oregon Duck -- a nasty Muay Thai/street brawler hybrid currently ranked 33rd in the world in EliteXC fighting.
The top 10 mascots you want getting your back in a bar fight are as follows:
10. The Northern Arizona Lumberjack
Little known to the general sports public but well known to anyone who has set horrified eyes on him, the Lumberjack is a bearded madman in a flannel shirt who carries -- of course -- an axe. The bug-eyes and face-sweater frighten enough, but bringing your own weapon to the fight makes this maniac fresh from months of tree slaughter a must have in your mascot-combat repertoire.
9. The Pitt Panther
The only predator in the United States that actually views people not as a nuisance only eaten as a last resort but as a primary food group. (By the way, cougar attacks are up dramatically over the past two decades in the United States.)
Fond of jumping off tall objects in ambushes, the Panther is ideal for bar fights in two-story sports bars or in Old West saloons where you can do that great swinging attack off the chandelier.
8. The West Virginia Mountaineer
He comes with his own gun. He wears oil buckskin and would therefore be very, very difficult to grab in a tussle. He has a thick enough beard to cushion most strikes to the face.
His upper-body strength is honed by doing pushups after West Virginia touchdowns; thanks to Pat White, the Mountaineer has done more pushups in the past three years than any human being living. He is a country boy and therefore can survive.
7. The Hawaii Warrior
He appears to have a ceremonial spear, a superb brawling weapon if 83 Jackie Chan movies are correct. He has immense upper-body development combined with enough mid-section padding to protect against broken ribs and severe lacerations sustained in combat.
The Warrior has fierce war paint, and his screaming war dance might prevent the need for a fight altogether -- few people aren't freaked out by a menacing man yelling at you in Hawai'ian, doing deep knee bends in a grass skirt. In conclusion, if you think he's soft, just google "Captain Cook" for his references.
6. Bucky the Badger
Here is another mascot who only hugs children to get closer to their delicious internal organs. Contrary to any cuddly ideas you might have, the badger spends its days just begging for you to look at it the wrong way so it can fight you, drag you down a hole and serve you in neat cutlets to its young.
Badgers, which essentially are weasels on Winstrol, have been known to fight off bears in the wild and can dig faster with their hands than a grown man can with a shovel. Like the Razorback, they are low to the ground and as good on the mat as a young Ken Shamrock, except that Ken Shamrock wouldn't bite your femoral artery in two with ease. (Edit: probably wouldn't.)
5. The Stanford Tree
Laugh if you will, but the sheer fright factor of the Tree, a frankencostume seemingly sewn together from 20 or so other previous Tree costumes, presents a good selling point all by itself. Throw in the Tree's real and verifiable record brawling with other mascots effectively and the Tree goes from merely interesting to a callback-worthy candidate -- even without having clearly defined arms. (The Tree also is the only mascot on this list ever arrested for public drunkenness while working in their capacity as official mascot.)
4. The Michigan Wolverine
You know who wolverines hate? You. And you and you and you and you.
Mythical in their nastiness, Michigan officials once attempted to keep a wolverine in a cage on the sidelines during games; the animal's wrathful glare and frightening growls proved too disturbing, and the effort was abandoned without regret early in Michigan's football history.
Wolverines have a legendarily horrific odor, can eat frozen meat off the bone with ease and possess such disproportionate strength they can take down a moose in the right circumstances.
If the Wolverine doesn't scare your opponent to death, the reeking stink of its natural oils will have them fleeing the scene with tears in their eyes.
3. Big Red
You're enraged. You're looking to punch someone. You turn around, looking to swing, and you see this standing in front of you.
That's how a bar fight starts with punches and ends with grown men rolling on the floor with laughter. You can't possibly stay angry looking at Big Red -- not for one nanosecond, sir.
2. The Arkansas Razorback
Oh, piggie! How cute! Piggie says thanks, but if you really want to help, he is making a cocktail and needs some ice, bourbon and a few gallons of the blood of his enemies, m'kay? Razorbacks can weigh upwards of 500 pounds and are stone cold killing machines with knives in their mouths, incredible stamina and a bloodlust a highway killer would call "impressive."
Ragnar, a former Arkansas Razorback mascot, escaped once and killed seven rattlesnakes, a 450-pound domestic hog and a coyote before being captured. You want the Razorback on your side in a fight if only to keep him from being on the other side. Bonus: He has an extremely low center of gravity and can be eaten if killed in combat.
1. Mike VI, the LSU Tiger
He weighed 330 pounds when he arrived at LSU but will top out at somewhere between 700 and 800 pounds, making him the largest Bayou Bengals mascot ever. (A slightly inaccurate term here because Mike VI is half-Siberian Tiger; thus, his immense size.)
Mike will be able to, at the peak of his powers, leap 15 feet in the air and across 30 feet of empty space. He can break the back of a bear with one blow from his paw, knock out cattle with a single swat and can crack femur bones with his teeth.
Sure, there's no guarantee he'll stay on your "side" in a bar fight. But with that many people flying around, there will be plenty of meat on the hoof to keep him busy. I'll take my chances with the numbers -- bigger and badder than a full-grown live tiger does not exist.
Mascots you do want on your side in a bar fight
While mascots come in ferocious varieties, some truly are better suited to a life of official team sweater-wearing and pep rally fist pumps. In fact, some college mascots can't really do anything at all save eat, lay in the sun and occasionally elicit excited ahhhhhhs when they defecate on the sacred sod of your field.
With that in mind, here are the 10 most useless mascots in a bar fight:
10. Knightro, UCF
In concept, Knightro's a born brawler, being both covered in a suit of armor and filled with the kind of bored rage only an upbringing in Orlando can give someone. One problem, though: Knightro has no eyes, no mouth and no ears, meaning he is about as useful in a bar fight as a giant fruit bat covered in Kevlar.
Knightro's triumph over being completely blind, deaf and dumb, though, is inspiring and should be the topic of a sappy Mitch Albom column shortly. ("The Five Mascots You Meet In Heaven: Available in Bookstores NOW!")
9. Albert the Alligator, Florida
The last tough guy to wear a sweater was Charles Bronson in Death Wish, and even then he topped it with a nasty, cheap-looking gray sport coat that screamed "I only bought this to cover my huge pecs and tangible, radiant hatred of the world -- and my incredibly ripped, criminal-killing pecs."
Albert wears a sweater in the heat of The Swamp on football Saturdays not because he, like Bronson, lives only to kill disrespectful punks; no, Albert wears it because he is cold-blooded, and if the temperature dips below 75 degrees he gets sleepy, torpid and unable to function. This is not the kind of beast you want holding a sock full of pennies on your side in a bar fight.
You: "Dude, watch the guy on the left."
Albert: "So ... sleepy ... could you turn the air-conditioning down in here a bit ... (passes out asleep on floor)."
In addition to the temperature problem, Albert appears to be at least 35 pounds overweight, thus getting winded easily and retiring before the fight is over. You know, much like the Florida secondary in 2007.
8. Oski, the Cal Golden Bear
Oski technically is the last of his kind, as the California Golden Bear (Ursus arctos californicus) has been extinct since the 20th century. He is not getting a hangnail in the name of protecting you, and fighting is completely out of the question, sir.
Also, if Oski like the bears at any zoo I've ever visited, he will not even raise his head from his day/night-long nap unless he hears the mechanical noise of a coin operated kibble machine going off outside the cage.
7. Pee Dee the Pirate, East Carolina
Pee Dee is treacherous and will switch sides in the middle of the fight if it serves his purpose. Don't underestimate the problems he has with depth perception, either; the eye patch might be stylish, but when you look over and notice he is waving that cool pirate scabbard around a good 3 feet away from the guys fighting you, you'll remember that judging distance with one good eye is very, very difficult indeed.
Remember: Pirates were loathed both for their tendency to steal everything not nailed down and their lousy parking skills, resulting in the ruin of docks across the Caribbean. Also: Flintlock pistol takes forever to load.
6. HokieBird, Virginia Tech
Virginia Tech really has done its best to make him look as ferocious as a turkey can look. Hokiebird's most recent redesign gives him swollen pecs and gigantor arms, and he does bench presses in the end zone following VT scores. Grr! Not just a turkey on a low-carb diet! Nope.
The problem being ... he's still a turkey. While not stupid by avian measures -- the old myth about turkeys drowning from staring at the sky is just that, a myth -- a turkey is as useful in a bar fight as a blogger, and almost as weak and prone to flight from a fight. (Almost.)
Worse yet, if you're in an especially rural setting, the poor bird might get shot for food before the fight even begins, leaving you alone and without a designated driver. (What? Sure, the idea of a turkey driving you home is absurd, but I'm not crazy enough to ask Knightro to drive me home. He has no eyes.)
5. San Diego State Aztec
I saw Apocalypto, and as bloody and messy as a bar fight can be I see no need to bring human sacrifice into the equation. Pretty sure that's against every criminal code in the known universe, and we're not even talking about the public health code violations involved here.
4. Wofford Terrier
He might not be on the list if "terrier" meant "pit bull terrier," in which case you'd have seen Wofford's ferociously muscled, throat-seeking canine death bullet on our list of "Mascots you want on your side in a bar fight." Unfortunately, for Wofford, we are discussing the Boston Terrier, not the pit bull, the little black and white snub-nosed terriers usually spied in old ladies' laps panting heavily.
From the Wikipedia breed description:
Many Bostons cannot tolerate excessive heat and also extremely cold weather, because of the shortened muzzle, so hot or cold weather combined with demanding exercise can bring harm to a Boston Terrier. A sensitive digestive system is also typical of the Boston Terrier. In the absence of proper diet, flatulence is associated with the breed.
So, short of picking him up and throwing him at someone during the bar fight, the Boston Terrier is as useful as having Abe Vigoda on your side. Abe, however, has one advantage over the Wofford terrier: Abe Vigoda cannot be drawn from the fight by the sight of a thrown tennis ball. (Possible additional advantage: Abe Vigoda might be dead already and therefore cannot be killed.)
3. UAB Blazer
This is a deceptive pick: The mythical creature of the dragon is not only covered in armored scales and capable of shooting fire from his nostrils but is allegedly magical. One crippling problem: Being immortal, he has no concern for anything but his pile of treasure, as dragons are really just huge, cold-blooded flying leprechauns with fangs. Correction: That's fire-breathing leprechauns with wings who can shoot fire from their mouths.
Fighting for you isn't even on the Blazer's list of things to do today, which consists of a) Sitting on pile of gold, and b) Think about acquiring more gold.
Why Oklahoma State didn't adopt the dragon as its mascot is beyond me, as this list of things to do is identical to OSU uber-booster T. Boone Pickens' agenda every single day for the rest of his life, with one important difference: T. Boone is real and really does have a pile of gold for a desk chair.
2. Testudo, the Maryland Terrapin
At a speed disadvantage to begin with, the turtle presents no offense, a suspect defense and from our extensive research (read: hours of watching Animal Planet) might be drawn from the bar fight with little more than the wave of a leaf of lettuce. Like all reptiles, he is little to no help in bars with even adequate air-conditioning because he will go into hibernation.
Testudo also is helpless for hours if knocked onto his back. The only upside: He might be dropped into a sock and used as a ferocious melee weapon.
1. Otto the Orange, Syracuse
The sad confluence of a program on the skids and its defenseless mascot, the Orange possesses a litany of weaknesses. He is unsuitable not only for bar fighting but for starting even minor scuffles in retirement homes or daycare centers.
A spherical orange with legs protruding from it, one fall puts the Syracuse Orange into an indefensible fighting position. In fact, the Orange might be the most eminently punchable mascot around: Soft, plush and bearing a fixed, perpetually giddy smile.
Otto is just begging to be punched, an unnecessary and cruel gesture given the lowly state of Syracuse football.
Testament to Otto's weakness? Charley Steiner once merc'd Otto with a car door in a SportsCenter commercial, so weak are his fighting skills. Getting choked out by an angry Peter Gammons or knocked flat by a raging Barry Melrose ... those things we could understand.
When the World Wide Leader's own Dr. Giggles owns you in a Bristol, Conn., parking lot, however, your status as least brawl-worthy mascot transcends mere assumption and becomes scientific fact. To paraphrase another classic ad: Otto, come out and get your whoopin'. As king of the bottom rank of Mascot MMA, it's only your due.
http://www.sportingnews.com/yourturn/viewtopic.php?t=422787
The top 10 mascots you want getting your back in a bar fight are as follows:
10. The Northern Arizona Lumberjack
Little known to the general sports public but well known to anyone who has set horrified eyes on him, the Lumberjack is a bearded madman in a flannel shirt who carries -- of course -- an axe. The bug-eyes and face-sweater frighten enough, but bringing your own weapon to the fight makes this maniac fresh from months of tree slaughter a must have in your mascot-combat repertoire.
9. The Pitt Panther
The only predator in the United States that actually views people not as a nuisance only eaten as a last resort but as a primary food group. (By the way, cougar attacks are up dramatically over the past two decades in the United States.)
Fond of jumping off tall objects in ambushes, the Panther is ideal for bar fights in two-story sports bars or in Old West saloons where you can do that great swinging attack off the chandelier.
8. The West Virginia Mountaineer
He comes with his own gun. He wears oil buckskin and would therefore be very, very difficult to grab in a tussle. He has a thick enough beard to cushion most strikes to the face.
His upper-body strength is honed by doing pushups after West Virginia touchdowns; thanks to Pat White, the Mountaineer has done more pushups in the past three years than any human being living. He is a country boy and therefore can survive.
7. The Hawaii Warrior
He appears to have a ceremonial spear, a superb brawling weapon if 83 Jackie Chan movies are correct. He has immense upper-body development combined with enough mid-section padding to protect against broken ribs and severe lacerations sustained in combat.
The Warrior has fierce war paint, and his screaming war dance might prevent the need for a fight altogether -- few people aren't freaked out by a menacing man yelling at you in Hawai'ian, doing deep knee bends in a grass skirt. In conclusion, if you think he's soft, just google "Captain Cook" for his references.
6. Bucky the Badger
Here is another mascot who only hugs children to get closer to their delicious internal organs. Contrary to any cuddly ideas you might have, the badger spends its days just begging for you to look at it the wrong way so it can fight you, drag you down a hole and serve you in neat cutlets to its young.
Badgers, which essentially are weasels on Winstrol, have been known to fight off bears in the wild and can dig faster with their hands than a grown man can with a shovel. Like the Razorback, they are low to the ground and as good on the mat as a young Ken Shamrock, except that Ken Shamrock wouldn't bite your femoral artery in two with ease. (Edit: probably wouldn't.)
5. The Stanford Tree
Laugh if you will, but the sheer fright factor of the Tree, a frankencostume seemingly sewn together from 20 or so other previous Tree costumes, presents a good selling point all by itself. Throw in the Tree's real and verifiable record brawling with other mascots effectively and the Tree goes from merely interesting to a callback-worthy candidate -- even without having clearly defined arms. (The Tree also is the only mascot on this list ever arrested for public drunkenness while working in their capacity as official mascot.)
4. The Michigan Wolverine
You know who wolverines hate? You. And you and you and you and you.
Mythical in their nastiness, Michigan officials once attempted to keep a wolverine in a cage on the sidelines during games; the animal's wrathful glare and frightening growls proved too disturbing, and the effort was abandoned without regret early in Michigan's football history.
Wolverines have a legendarily horrific odor, can eat frozen meat off the bone with ease and possess such disproportionate strength they can take down a moose in the right circumstances.
If the Wolverine doesn't scare your opponent to death, the reeking stink of its natural oils will have them fleeing the scene with tears in their eyes.
3. Big Red
You're enraged. You're looking to punch someone. You turn around, looking to swing, and you see this standing in front of you.
That's how a bar fight starts with punches and ends with grown men rolling on the floor with laughter. You can't possibly stay angry looking at Big Red -- not for one nanosecond, sir.
2. The Arkansas Razorback
Oh, piggie! How cute! Piggie says thanks, but if you really want to help, he is making a cocktail and needs some ice, bourbon and a few gallons of the blood of his enemies, m'kay? Razorbacks can weigh upwards of 500 pounds and are stone cold killing machines with knives in their mouths, incredible stamina and a bloodlust a highway killer would call "impressive."
Ragnar, a former Arkansas Razorback mascot, escaped once and killed seven rattlesnakes, a 450-pound domestic hog and a coyote before being captured. You want the Razorback on your side in a fight if only to keep him from being on the other side. Bonus: He has an extremely low center of gravity and can be eaten if killed in combat.
1. Mike VI, the LSU Tiger
He weighed 330 pounds when he arrived at LSU but will top out at somewhere between 700 and 800 pounds, making him the largest Bayou Bengals mascot ever. (A slightly inaccurate term here because Mike VI is half-Siberian Tiger; thus, his immense size.)
Mike will be able to, at the peak of his powers, leap 15 feet in the air and across 30 feet of empty space. He can break the back of a bear with one blow from his paw, knock out cattle with a single swat and can crack femur bones with his teeth.
Sure, there's no guarantee he'll stay on your "side" in a bar fight. But with that many people flying around, there will be plenty of meat on the hoof to keep him busy. I'll take my chances with the numbers -- bigger and badder than a full-grown live tiger does not exist.
Mascots you do want on your side in a bar fight
While mascots come in ferocious varieties, some truly are better suited to a life of official team sweater-wearing and pep rally fist pumps. In fact, some college mascots can't really do anything at all save eat, lay in the sun and occasionally elicit excited ahhhhhhs when they defecate on the sacred sod of your field.
With that in mind, here are the 10 most useless mascots in a bar fight:
10. Knightro, UCF
In concept, Knightro's a born brawler, being both covered in a suit of armor and filled with the kind of bored rage only an upbringing in Orlando can give someone. One problem, though: Knightro has no eyes, no mouth and no ears, meaning he is about as useful in a bar fight as a giant fruit bat covered in Kevlar.
Knightro's triumph over being completely blind, deaf and dumb, though, is inspiring and should be the topic of a sappy Mitch Albom column shortly. ("The Five Mascots You Meet In Heaven: Available in Bookstores NOW!")
9. Albert the Alligator, Florida
The last tough guy to wear a sweater was Charles Bronson in Death Wish, and even then he topped it with a nasty, cheap-looking gray sport coat that screamed "I only bought this to cover my huge pecs and tangible, radiant hatred of the world -- and my incredibly ripped, criminal-killing pecs."
Albert wears a sweater in the heat of The Swamp on football Saturdays not because he, like Bronson, lives only to kill disrespectful punks; no, Albert wears it because he is cold-blooded, and if the temperature dips below 75 degrees he gets sleepy, torpid and unable to function. This is not the kind of beast you want holding a sock full of pennies on your side in a bar fight.
You: "Dude, watch the guy on the left."
Albert: "So ... sleepy ... could you turn the air-conditioning down in here a bit ... (passes out asleep on floor)."
In addition to the temperature problem, Albert appears to be at least 35 pounds overweight, thus getting winded easily and retiring before the fight is over. You know, much like the Florida secondary in 2007.
8. Oski, the Cal Golden Bear
Oski technically is the last of his kind, as the California Golden Bear (Ursus arctos californicus) has been extinct since the 20th century. He is not getting a hangnail in the name of protecting you, and fighting is completely out of the question, sir.
Also, if Oski like the bears at any zoo I've ever visited, he will not even raise his head from his day/night-long nap unless he hears the mechanical noise of a coin operated kibble machine going off outside the cage.
7. Pee Dee the Pirate, East Carolina
Pee Dee is treacherous and will switch sides in the middle of the fight if it serves his purpose. Don't underestimate the problems he has with depth perception, either; the eye patch might be stylish, but when you look over and notice he is waving that cool pirate scabbard around a good 3 feet away from the guys fighting you, you'll remember that judging distance with one good eye is very, very difficult indeed.
Remember: Pirates were loathed both for their tendency to steal everything not nailed down and their lousy parking skills, resulting in the ruin of docks across the Caribbean. Also: Flintlock pistol takes forever to load.
6. HokieBird, Virginia Tech
Virginia Tech really has done its best to make him look as ferocious as a turkey can look. Hokiebird's most recent redesign gives him swollen pecs and gigantor arms, and he does bench presses in the end zone following VT scores. Grr! Not just a turkey on a low-carb diet! Nope.
The problem being ... he's still a turkey. While not stupid by avian measures -- the old myth about turkeys drowning from staring at the sky is just that, a myth -- a turkey is as useful in a bar fight as a blogger, and almost as weak and prone to flight from a fight. (Almost.)
Worse yet, if you're in an especially rural setting, the poor bird might get shot for food before the fight even begins, leaving you alone and without a designated driver. (What? Sure, the idea of a turkey driving you home is absurd, but I'm not crazy enough to ask Knightro to drive me home. He has no eyes.)
5. San Diego State Aztec
I saw Apocalypto, and as bloody and messy as a bar fight can be I see no need to bring human sacrifice into the equation. Pretty sure that's against every criminal code in the known universe, and we're not even talking about the public health code violations involved here.
4. Wofford Terrier
He might not be on the list if "terrier" meant "pit bull terrier," in which case you'd have seen Wofford's ferociously muscled, throat-seeking canine death bullet on our list of "Mascots you want on your side in a bar fight." Unfortunately, for Wofford, we are discussing the Boston Terrier, not the pit bull, the little black and white snub-nosed terriers usually spied in old ladies' laps panting heavily.
From the Wikipedia breed description:
Many Bostons cannot tolerate excessive heat and also extremely cold weather, because of the shortened muzzle, so hot or cold weather combined with demanding exercise can bring harm to a Boston Terrier. A sensitive digestive system is also typical of the Boston Terrier. In the absence of proper diet, flatulence is associated with the breed.
So, short of picking him up and throwing him at someone during the bar fight, the Boston Terrier is as useful as having Abe Vigoda on your side. Abe, however, has one advantage over the Wofford terrier: Abe Vigoda cannot be drawn from the fight by the sight of a thrown tennis ball. (Possible additional advantage: Abe Vigoda might be dead already and therefore cannot be killed.)
3. UAB Blazer
This is a deceptive pick: The mythical creature of the dragon is not only covered in armored scales and capable of shooting fire from his nostrils but is allegedly magical. One crippling problem: Being immortal, he has no concern for anything but his pile of treasure, as dragons are really just huge, cold-blooded flying leprechauns with fangs. Correction: That's fire-breathing leprechauns with wings who can shoot fire from their mouths.
Fighting for you isn't even on the Blazer's list of things to do today, which consists of a) Sitting on pile of gold, and b) Think about acquiring more gold.
Why Oklahoma State didn't adopt the dragon as its mascot is beyond me, as this list of things to do is identical to OSU uber-booster T. Boone Pickens' agenda every single day for the rest of his life, with one important difference: T. Boone is real and really does have a pile of gold for a desk chair.
2. Testudo, the Maryland Terrapin
At a speed disadvantage to begin with, the turtle presents no offense, a suspect defense and from our extensive research (read: hours of watching Animal Planet) might be drawn from the bar fight with little more than the wave of a leaf of lettuce. Like all reptiles, he is little to no help in bars with even adequate air-conditioning because he will go into hibernation.
Testudo also is helpless for hours if knocked onto his back. The only upside: He might be dropped into a sock and used as a ferocious melee weapon.
1. Otto the Orange, Syracuse
The sad confluence of a program on the skids and its defenseless mascot, the Orange possesses a litany of weaknesses. He is unsuitable not only for bar fighting but for starting even minor scuffles in retirement homes or daycare centers.
A spherical orange with legs protruding from it, one fall puts the Syracuse Orange into an indefensible fighting position. In fact, the Orange might be the most eminently punchable mascot around: Soft, plush and bearing a fixed, perpetually giddy smile.
Otto is just begging to be punched, an unnecessary and cruel gesture given the lowly state of Syracuse football.
Testament to Otto's weakness? Charley Steiner once merc'd Otto with a car door in a SportsCenter commercial, so weak are his fighting skills. Getting choked out by an angry Peter Gammons or knocked flat by a raging Barry Melrose ... those things we could understand.
When the World Wide Leader's own Dr. Giggles owns you in a Bristol, Conn., parking lot, however, your status as least brawl-worthy mascot transcends mere assumption and becomes scientific fact. To paraphrase another classic ad: Otto, come out and get your whoopin'. As king of the bottom rank of Mascot MMA, it's only your due.
http://www.sportingnews.com/yourturn/viewtopic.php?t=422787
