Santa is a Woman?
Author Unknown
I think Santa Claus is a woman ... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men ...
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Guy
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Ditto
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
Counter point:
Why Santa Must Be a Man
He lives at the North Pole. All women require ambient room temperature high enough to cook a turkey, so there's no way any woman choose the North Pole as her base of operations. The Bahamas, maybe.
He's fat and jolly. No one dares to describe any woman as "fat and jolly." If Santa was a woman, and you called her "fat and jolly," you wouldn't find coal in your stocking, you'd find a bomb!
He hangs out at the mall. Sure, at first glance this might seem to prove that he's a she. But, while both men and women go to malls, what does Santa do at the mall? He sits down! Do women ever sit at malls? No, women shop; men sit. Santa sits. 'Nuff said.
He walks on roofs. Women refuse to get on roofs! Have you ever seen a woman on a roof?
He likes milk and cookies. If he were a she, you have to leave dark chocolate and herbal tea by the fireplace. Or, if she was still sensitive about that whole "Fat and Jolly" thing, she'd demand carrot sticks and water.He uses the chimney. What woman would crawl into a dirty, smelly chimney? A woman would carry a set of keys for every house and then not be able to find them in her purse.
He has reindeer. Reindeer are totally a guy thing: big, hairy, smelly, with huge antlers. No woman would use them. She would prefer a stretch limo.
See? Santa must be a man!
Author Unknown
I think Santa Claus is a woman ... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men ...
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Guy
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Ditto
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
Counter point:
Why Santa Must Be a Man
He lives at the North Pole. All women require ambient room temperature high enough to cook a turkey, so there's no way any woman choose the North Pole as her base of operations. The Bahamas, maybe.
He's fat and jolly. No one dares to describe any woman as "fat and jolly." If Santa was a woman, and you called her "fat and jolly," you wouldn't find coal in your stocking, you'd find a bomb!
He hangs out at the mall. Sure, at first glance this might seem to prove that he's a she. But, while both men and women go to malls, what does Santa do at the mall? He sits down! Do women ever sit at malls? No, women shop; men sit. Santa sits. 'Nuff said.
He walks on roofs. Women refuse to get on roofs! Have you ever seen a woman on a roof?
He likes milk and cookies. If he were a she, you have to leave dark chocolate and herbal tea by the fireplace. Or, if she was still sensitive about that whole "Fat and Jolly" thing, she'd demand carrot sticks and water.He uses the chimney. What woman would crawl into a dirty, smelly chimney? A woman would carry a set of keys for every house and then not be able to find them in her purse.
He has reindeer. Reindeer are totally a guy thing: big, hairy, smelly, with huge antlers. No woman would use them. She would prefer a stretch limo.
See? Santa must be a man!
