Dear Diary...

madspeed

madspeed

Colonel Mustard
Founding Member
Nov 29, 1999
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a van down by the river
#1
Aug. 12
Moved into our new home in Pennsylvania . It is so beautiful here. The hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons. This is truly God's Country.

Oct. 14
Pennsylvania is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I want to walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on Earth. This must be paradise.

Nov. 11
Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in Pennsylvania. I hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2
It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight:
everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have
gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it here!

Dec. 12
More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little
trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here!

Dec. 19
More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in
time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow!

Dec. 21
More of that white :poo: coming down. I've got blisters on my
hands and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow driver waits around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. *******.

Dec. 25
White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap??

Dec. 28
It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside since then, except of course when that SOB "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??

Jan. 1
Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the 4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the :poo:head actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd broken 6 already this season.

Jan. 4
Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some
food and a goddamn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the bastard. It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters should have a longer season if you ask me.

Jan. 27
Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow
into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of :poo: into fireplace wood when I had the chance.

May 23
Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole
underside of the car is rusted away from all of that damn salt they dump on the road? Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow :poo:.

May 10
Sold the car, the house, and moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the God forsaken State of Pennsylvania!
 
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#5
jetmech807 said:
Funniest thing I've read in awhile. The writer forgot to mention all the times the SOB snow plow driver knocked the mailbox off the post. And this is why I live in NV and not OH.
Click to expand...

There are a few houses near me that have these mailbox shaped plywood cutouts that they mount to the ground about a foot in front of their mailboxes just for this reason. It looks ridiculous but I guess it works because you don't see those mailboxes knocked down. I don't worry about it because they don't seem to bother plowing my street at all.
 
#13
Almost as funny as this one:

Dear Diary,

Just moved to Texas from Minnesota! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th: The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

July 20th: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swelled up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and :poo:s. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol’ Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can’t even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th: Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th: If another wise ass cracks, ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I’m going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat — and I know how baked cat smells!!

Aug. 11th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat !!

Aug 14th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do :poo: for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing is under way, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can’t live in this damn heat.

Aug. 22nd: Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? “Hot enough for you today?” My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live in this damn state ?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
 
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